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Where the beer flows like water

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BANGOR – Some Bangor residents are getting an unexpected surprise when they turn on their taps.

Reports have been circulating that a few residential pockets in the city have been turning on their faucets, only to discover that instead of water, their pipes are gushing with delicious, delicious beer.

The Bangor beer scene has blown up in recent years, with a number of craft brewing operations – outfits large and small – bringing all manner of sudsy goodness to the area. Craft beer has permeated local culture thoroughly.

But no one could have expected it to be THIS thoroughly.

“We’re honestly not sure what’s happening,” said a city official speaking under the condition of anonymity. “There’s no logical logistical explanation for this. I mean, they’re water pipes – how is beer even getting in there? It makes no sense.”

And while there are plenty of reasons to celebrate the idea of beer coming from your faucet, there are also a whole lot of concerns – concerns voiced by several residents dealing with the foamy phenomenon.

“Look, I like beer as much as the next guy,” said Patrick Evans, a resident of Bangor’s Little City neighborhood. “And it was pretty cool to pull a nice, hoppy pint of IPA right from my kitchen faucet … at first. But man – how the hell am I supposed to cook? Or wash my dishes? And God help me if I want to do laundry.”

Tree Streets resident Megan Pinyan agrees.

“This might be a beer lover’s dream, but it’s a homeowner’s nightmare,” she said. “Sometimes, I just want to make some pasta – what, I’m supposed to boil a coffee-infused porter to cook ziti? How will that even work?”

The local brewing community is just as baffled.

“We’ve all been talking about this ever since it started,” said one local brewer who asked not to be identified. “I suppose it’s possible that one of us is responsible for this and just hiding their involvement, but it sure seems like everyone is in the same confused boat. It’s weird as hell.

“And really, there’s no reason for any of us to do this,” he continued. “Why would anyone make it so that free beer flows into someone’s tap? Financially, it would be a monumentally unwise decision.”

There doesn’t seem to be any rhyme or reason to where the phenomenon has cropped up (or hopped up, if you will); it appears as though just a handful of adjacent homes are impacted in each area. Thus far, outbreaks have been documented in the aforementioned Little City and Tree Streets neighborhoods, as well as in Judson Heights and Fairmount. There have also been reports – as yet unconfirmed – in Bangor Gardens.

“It’s the strangest thing I’ve ever encountered,” said the unnamed city official. “It’s as though the region’s beer scene has become so engrained that it is somehow manifesting itself in our water supply.”

While this sort of happening might seem unprecedented, one beer scholar claims that this isn’t the first time something like this has occurred.

“While we’ve never seen anything quite so widespread as what’s happening in Bangor, there are sketchy reports of smaller-scale but similar events in Portland – the Oregon one – and Burlington, Vermont,” said Dr. Fritz Zymurgy, the Coors Chair in Beer History at the University of Colorado Boulder. “But those outbreaks were isolated to just a few houses. This is frankly unprecedented.”

As for what happens next, well … no one really knows. Our unnamed city spokesman certainly doesn’t.

“All we can say is that we’re working on it,” he said with a shrug. “We have no timetable for when we’re going to be able to fix it. Hell, we don’t even have a timetable for figuring out what’s happening. We’re teaming up with local brewers to try and brainstorm some ideas, but for now, people are just going to have to be patient and sit tight.”

Obviously, it’s not an ideal situation, but hey – at least you can have a beer while you wait.

(Editor’s note: This is the annual April Fool’s edition of The Maine Edge. As such, most – if not all – of this story is completely and utterly made up.)

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