ST. POMME DE TERRE – Everyone’s favorite tiny northern Maine town is back at it again.
The small hamlet has seen a significant boom over the past year, thanks to the nearly-completed YetiFoot outdoor footwear factory. The company – the brainchild of St. Pomme de Terre’s beloved Bigfoot and Yeti selectmen – has already poured millions into town coffers, with plenty more to come.
Even before operations have fully started, YetiFoot has been seeing a lot of international attention. However, both cryptids have expressed misgivings about bringing people they don’t know into the decision-making fold – usually through hoots, grunts and pounded chests.
“Well, Bigfoot might have been born at night, but it weren’t LAST night,” said YetiFoot spokesman Pat Gimlin following an unsuccessful pitch from Patagonia. “He don’t trust no one unless he can get a big old snootful of their scent, you know? And Yeti, well … he’s sharp as a tack. He’s got a prime BS detector.
“Those two, well … ain’t nobody gonna take advantage of those giant man-apes.”
However, a small Scottish company sent a representative who – at least initially – appears to have what it takes to work alongside a pair of enormous beasts from outside the mists of time.
Am Fear Liath Mor – known as the Big Grey Man of Ben MacDhui, or simply the Greyman – is a noted cryptid from the Scottish Isles. One of the “True Giants” as deemed by the noted cryptozoologist Mark A. Hall, the Greyman might not have the sort of widespread name recognition of the Bigfoot and the Yeti, but there’s no doubt that he is more than capable of dealing with the St. Pomme de Terre pair better than any man.
As part of this international exchange of legendary businessbeasts, Yeti recently traveled to Scotland to see firsthand the workings of Greyman Galoshes, the world’s very first cryptid-founded footwear company.
Initially, the hope was that this sharing of ideas will help grow the market share of both companies. However, the meetings on both sides of the ocean have proven so beneficial that a full-blown merger is on the table. As things stand, it would likely be YetiFoot absorbing Greyman – while the Scottish company has been around for decades, the massive interest (not to mention the massive influx of investment cash) in the YetiFoot product makes them the logical leader.
For his part, Greyman and his shareholders seem thrilled at the idea of joining forces with YetiFoot and moving their footwear company into the 21st century.
“We trust Am Fear Liath Mor’s business acumen implicitly,” said Greyman Galoshes COO Angus MacAngus. “We’ve already learned so much about the YetiFoot process thanks to the time the Yeti spent with us here. We look forward to a fruitful partnership.”
St. Pomme de Terre residents are thrilled with this new development.
“Well hell, bub – I’ve spent my whole life with a pair a’ them Greyman Galoshes,” said local lumberman Mark Pelletier. “Got a new pair every 10 years, like clockwork. Not that they wore out or nothin’, mind you – it’s just nice to get somethin’ new every once in a while. Didn’t know they was a ape-man company, but considerin’ the quality, it ain’t surprisin’ at all.”
As you might expect, the local diner was buzzing with the news. Waitress Wanda Arsenault said that the whole town was talking about their new primate friend.
“Everyone is thrilled that this Greyman fella has come to town,” she said. “People might think that we’re a little backwards up here in the Terre, but there’s no denying that we’re a friendly bunch. Heck, we elected not just Bigfoot, but Yeti to our Board of Selectmen. If that ain’t progressive, I don’t know what is.
“We’ve pretty much gotten to the point where one more gigantic missing link coming into town from somewhere in the frozen past barely makes a ripple,” she continued. “That Greyman seems nice enough, and besides – Bigfoot and Yeti both like him well enough to go into business with him. If those two vouch for him, then he’s gonna fit right in.”
There’s no word on the official closing date on the YetiFoot/Greyman acquisition, but sources indicate that the deal will almost certainly be signed by mid-spring.
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(Editor's note: It's the April Fools' Day edition. We made this whole thing up.)
