(Editor’s note: An email showed up in my inbox a couple of days ago without any prior notice. In the subject line was “You Suck” and the entire body of the accompanying e-mail read “Here’s something actually good to print in that rag of yours.” Attached was the following.)

What’s up losers? Miss me?

That’s right – the main man Todd Parker has made a brief return from his extended hiatus (said hiatus taking place due to reasons that, upon the advice of his attorneys, I will not be discussing) in honor of Valentine’s Day.

I’ve returned to shower you lamewads with some love. However, since what’s-his-name, the guy in charge of this whosit, hasn’t been active in soliciting letters from the reading public, I don’t have any real-world advice to give.

(Note: You know very well what his name is.)

However, Todd Parker would not leave you hanging. I decided to revisit this all-timer of a Maine Edge classic where I offer my sage counsel to lovelorn literary figures in an effort to help them work out all of their crap.

As you might expect, the resulting work is utterly masterful.

Dear Todd Parker,

I’ve got a bit of a situation at work and I’m not really sure who else I can speak to about it.

Todd Parker visits the lunar landscape

Dear Todd Parker,

My boyfriend’s parents hate me.

Dear Todd Parker,

I’ve been dating a wonderful man for a little over a year. He’s smart and sexy and lots of fun. He treats me exactly the way that I’ve always wanted to be treated in a relationship. He’s so sensitive to my needs, always there to help me with anything. He’s just wonderful.

There’s just one problem. His cooking.

Dear Todd Parker,

All right. I’m in a serious mess and you’re my last resort.

Dear Todd Parker,

This isn’t really a problem, but I would like to get some of your thoughts. It’s officially 2017, and like a lot of people, I’ve made some New Year’s resolutions. Nothing spectacular - mostly the standard stuff everybody else resolves to do.

Dear Todd Parker,

I live on a nice quiet street here in Bangor. For the most part, I get along with my neighbors and they get along with me. We’re not best buddies or anything, but everyone is civil enough.

Dear Todd Parker,

When my kid was born, I was convinced that I would be a terrible father. I figured that I was an irresponsible punk; how was I going to raise a decent human being. Only it turns out that I'm pretty good at it. My wife and I have had a pretty good run of it.

Dear Todd Parker,

With Thanksgiving coming up, I know that I'm supposed to be doing my part to bring everyone together in the spirit of gratitude and the holiday season.