Thursday, 27 September 2012 08:16

Ask Todd Parker - Sept. 26, 2012

Written by Todd Parker

Dear Todd Parker,

I'm in love. I haven't been seeing this girl for very long, but everything about her seems perfect for me. She's smart and funny, plus she's super hot. She likes a lot of the same things that I like, and we always have a good time when we go out together. So yeah, like I said, she seems perfect. There's just one little problem.

It's her cats.

Wednesday, 26 September 2012 14:10

Celebrity Slam - Sept. 26, 2012

Written by Allen Adams

Feelin' like a criminal

Singer-songwriter Fiona Apple is soon to be in need of a good defense after she was recently arrested in Texas for drug possession.

Apple was arrested last week at a West Texas Border Crossing in Sierra Blanca after a drug-sniffing dog detected marijuana onboard her tour bus. A search of the bus turned up four grams each of marijuana and hashish. Apple took ownership of the drugs and wound up spending the night in jail before being released.

Thursday, 20 September 2012 08:03

Ask Todd Parker - Sept. 19, 2012

Written by Todd Parker

Dear Todd Parker,

What is it with the kids today?

I've been working in education for the past six years, primarily at the middle and high school levels. I got the job right out of college, so I'm still young enough that I occasionally get misidentified as a student in the high school hallways. I always thought that I'd be able to maintain some level of connection with the stuff the kids are into.

Wednesday, 19 September 2012 12:47

Celebrity Slam - Sept. 19, 2012

Written by Allen Adams
A sauced Tomato

Olympic snowboarder/professional skateboarder/noted ginger Shaun White found himself in police custody recently after getting hammered and going absolutely berserk in a Nashville hotel. The Flying Tomato got super drunk and proceeded to absolutely trash his room before wandering out into the halls at 2 am. When he was confronted by hotel staffers, White then proceeded to start pulling fire alarms and generally act like an utter a-hole.

Then he made a break for it. He didn't get far.

A bystander outside the hotel attempted to keep White from leaving the scene in a taxi. White then allegedly kicked the guy and ran for it. The concerned citizen chased after White; the two wound up colliding and White crashed into a fence. White was taken to a nearby hospital for treatment and was booked for vandalism and public intoxication while there.

It goes without saying that this is the exact sort of item for which Celebrity Slam was created.

There's nothing quite like a professional athlete letting loose. The combination of vast amounts of disposable income and an inherent sense of physical invulnerability can lead to some absolutely epic moments of complete lunacy.

And for it to be Shaun White? Cute little red-haired Shaun White? Magnificent.

Granted, trashing hotel rooms is kind of clich; it's the kind of old-school misbehavior that you wouldn't expect from a 21st century cool kid like White. That's actually why it's so awesome; it's like the kid was channeling Keith Moon. The fact that his flight attempt was thwarted by some rando is just the drunken maraschino cherry on this delicious mlange of minor criminality. The only thing that could have made this better is if he actually tried to get away on a skateboard preferably by clinging to the bumper of a passing car a la Marty McFly.

If there's an Olympic event in committing misdemeanors, Shaun White just won the gold.

A hardcore fan

For a lot of famous folks, sporting events are little more than an opportunity to see and be seen. They show up late, leave early and generally do the bare minimum to look like a real fan. Then you've got people like Jack Nicholson, Spike Lee and Dyan Cannon legitimately hardcore sports fans that root for their teams for no reason other than a love of sport.

Eric Stonestreet apparently falls into the latter category.

Stonestreet, one of the stars of 'Modern Family,' found himself in a heated confrontation at a recent baseball game between the Dodgers and Cardinals. It all started when a St. Louis fan started heckling Dodger slugger Matt Kemp. Kemp just rolled his eyes and laughed it off.

However, Stonestreet, who was sitting near the heckler in question, wasn't about to let it go, shouting 'Matt Kemp should have come over and punched you in the face!' The fan claims that Stonestreet then approached a security guard and said something like 'Somebody needs to kick this guy's ass.' The shouting match continued with insults flying; at one point, a friend of the fan snapped at Stonestreet, 'Well you're a fatass!' At that point, Stonestreet decided to get up close and personal with his new friends and the exchange grew heated.

Security quickly broke up the fracas and escorted all of the involved parties up to the main concourse at which point the fan claims Stonestreet went full-on 'Don't you know who I am?' At the end of the day, Stonestreet returned to his seat while the heckling fan and his buddy were asked to leave.

I love everything about this.

Full disclosure: I admire the fact that Mr. Stonestreet stood up for his team. Passionate fandom is awesome. However, it was perhaps handled indelicately. Telling the heckler that Kemp should kick his ass is a perfect response, but that's when it should have stopped. Asking security to kick the guy's ass? Not a great move. Neither was getting back into it with the guy. I mean, come on the fat joke is the one that crosses the line? At least make the asshat work for it.

And don't even get me started on the 'Don't you know who I am?' crap. Weak sauce, dude; you're cleverer than that.

Go Dodgers!

Thursday, 13 September 2012 11:34

Ask Todd Parker - Sept. 12, 2012

Written by Todd Parker

Dear Todd Parker,

I need to preface this by saying that I have no problem with kids. I like kids; sure, they can be a little irritating when they're running around and screaming and all that, but most of the children in my neighborhood are really nice, respectful kids. Besides, I understand that mischief is part of the package. Kids get up to stuff. I get it.

But there's such a thing as too far.

Wednesday, 12 September 2012 11:58

Celebrity Slam - Sept. 12, 2012

Written by Allen Adams

A weekend to forget

This was not a great weekend for Miley Cyrus.

The former 'Hannah Montana' star had to deal with the law on two separate and unrelated occasions this weekend.

The first unfortunate incident an incident for which Cyrus is blameless came when some lunatic hopped the fence surrounding her Los Angeles home and started wandering around brandishing a pair of scissors. The intruder was apprehended and taken away. Scary stuff.

The second (and far more hilarious) incident took place Saturday night at a Hollywood nightclub. Cyrus and her boyfriend Liam Hemsworth allegedly wound up in an altercation with some people sitting near them at Beacher's Madhouse at the Roosevelt Hotel.

The alleged victim claims that he and his friends accidentally bumped Hemsworth's chair. Words were exchanged and tensions quickly escalated. According to the claimant, Hemsworth got in the man's face and Cyrus jumped up to separate the two men. When she did so, he alleges that she pushed him away and struck him in the face. Cyrus's representatives are calling the whole thing 'false and erroneous' and people who claim to have witnessed the argument say that Miley never took a swing. As it stands right now, Cyrus is considered a criminal battery suspect.

It's too early to say what really happened, but let's be real: it sure seems plausible, doesn't it? Miley Cyrus has done a lot of stupid things in her day; is it really that unreasonable to think she took a shot at a dude because he was mouthing off to her boyfriend? You'd think that someone with her history of poor judgment would think twice before getting into a screaming match with some rando, regardless of whether the argument ever progressed to the physical. We tried to let the crazy haircut slide, but this is a bridge too far.

We honestly thought you might be growing up a little, Miley. There was a nice stretch there when it seemed like you were getting your act together. Thenboom! It's all crazy head shaving and getting in fights with dudes at nightclubs.

Oh well. Next weekend has to be better, right?

Creepy with a side of weird

Kanye West is weird. We can all agree on that. His planet-sized ego combined with his general disdain for basic social mores makes him one of the most bizarre of pop culture's luminaries. So yeah, Kanye is weird.

But we couldn't possibly have known just how weird.

It has recently come to light that Kanye has been borderline obsessed with his current girlfriend Kim Kardashian since long before the pair started dating. Apparently, Kanye's 2009 song 'Knock You Down' contains several lyrics that were penned specifically to address Kardashian (who was dating NFL player Reggie Bush at the time).

It's the lyrics devoted to Kim on his latest single that have raised some eyebrows, however. The song 'Clique' contains the line 'Eat breakfast at Gucci/My girl a superstar all from a home movie,' a reference to Kardashian's infamous career launching pad of a sex tape. Sounds like he's okay with it, right?

Turns out he is way more than just okay with it.

Multiple sources have come forward to state that Kanye actually used to watch Kim's sex tape to get himself in the mood. Apparently, he even occasionally went so far as to watch the tape whilelet's call it 'entertaining' members of the opposite sex.

To each their own and all that, but holy crap - that is creepy. Did Kim know about Kanye's proclivity? If so, who told her? If Kanye told her, why? For that matter, why would he tell anybody at all? That's the sort of pathetic weirdness that you should really keep to yourself. Do you suppose he still watches the tape even though she's the one being'entertained'? Is she so delusional and self-absorbed that she views this as some sort of compliment?

Kim and Kanye a match made in batst crazy heaven.

Thursday, 06 September 2012 07:42

Ask Todd Parker - Sept. 5, 2012

Written by Todd Parker

Dear Todd Parker,

I recently found myself in an incredibly awkward situation and I can't figure out what to do. I've asked all of my friends and we just can't come to any sort of consensus as to what the right move should be.

I was out at a bar a couple of week ago, catching up with a couple of friends after work. I got up to go to the bathroom and spotted this dude I knew from way back; hadn't seen the guy in years, but I used to hang out with him and his wife quite a bit.

Wednesday, 05 September 2012 12:36

Celebrity Slam - Sept. 5, 2012

Written by Allen Adams

The end of an era

The Celebrity Slam banner is flying at half-mast these days, because one of our constant sources of spotlight-seeking shenanigans has announced that it is coming to a close.

That's right 'Jersey Shore' will be no more.

After six seasons, the MTV 'reality' show is coming to a conclusion. The decision was announced just before Season 6 episodes began airing, with network executives saying that the time had come the show's stars were growing up and moving in new directions with their lives. The Situation went to rehab and is now living sober. Deena, Sammi and Ronnie are all dealing with maturing relationships. And of course, there's Snooki's new baby (she was pregnant throughout the season's filming).

Thursday, 30 August 2012 08:56

Ask Todd Parker - Aug. 29, 2012

Written by Todd Parker

Dear Todd Parker,

A really good buddy of mine started dating this girl a couple of months ago. I'd seen her around and stuff, but I didn't really know her that well. It's not like we'd ever really hung out or anything like that. Anyway, my buddy took the plunge and asked her out. All of a sudden, they're dating and now I'm seeing her more and more in a social setting.

She's f---ing terrible.

Wednesday, 29 August 2012 12:14

Celebrity Slam - Aug. 29, 2012

Written by Allen Adams

Been caught stealing

Believe it or not, one of our constant hopes here at Celebrity Slam is that our column regulars find ways to keep themselves out of our snarky crosshairs. It would be nice to think that these celebs can figure out how to function as normal humans and avoid saying and doing the idiotic things that result in their being lambasted in this space. Every once in a while, one of them even manages it.

Lindsay Lohan is not one of them.

These new allegations spring from a house party held at the Hollywood Hills home of rich guy Sam Magid reportedly a close friend of Lohan's. Magid called the police to report the theft of $100,000 worth of watches, sunglasses and other items. According to reports, LiLo frequently visits the estate, even attending an all-night rager a couple of weeks ago.

The LAPD have added LiLo and her assistant to the list of suspects, even though the erstwhile 'actress' has already tried to throw at least one acquaintance under the bus Andrew Knight, a young man who claims to be the son of rap producer/lunatic Suge Knight. However, the cops didn't buy her story.

According to Magid, Knight and another young man who was present at the house told him that Lohan had handed them a bag containing some of the stolen items wrapped in one of her T-shirts. The two men returned the items. Magid also said that Lohan explained some of the other missing items by saying she had hidden them around the house because she feared they'd be stolen. Of course, she also confessed to being on Ambien at the time, so the whole mess is rather conveniently hazy.

Magid has since recanted the story, saying nothing was stolen, but the cops aren't buying that either; they've got independent witnesses who point the finger at Lohan and her assistant. So the investigation continues.

Do you follow all of that? Because I'm not sure I do.

Here's a quick tip for you, Lindsay: you are never going to get away with anything ever again. Ever. You have thoroughly torched any chance you'll have of getting the benefit of the doubt especially from the LAPD. Your flimsy stories and Ambien excuses just aren't going to cut it anymore. The truth is that you're going to have to start sucking it up and taking responsibility for your actions. Think of it this way: when authority figures are more inclined to believe Suge Knight's kid than you, you've pretty much bottomed out in terms of credibility.

Whatever deluded concept you have of your own celebrity, it's time to face facts: it's not the shield it once was. Your fame doesn't protect you anymore. You have created a world where the public is willing to believe literally anything that we hear about you. You are no longer untouchable.

Alas, poor LiLo, the time has come for you to take responsibility for your actions. A harsh lesson, perhaps, but it's time to grow up.

The Prince's new clothes

This next item is less a Slam and more of a Wrist Slap ('Celebrity Wrist Slap' doesn't have quite the same ring to it [Sweet band name, though]).

If you haven't heard, Prince Harry (he's the one who's not going to be King of England) took a recent trip to Las Vegas and got up to all kinds of shenanigans. For instance, the Prince engaged in a semi-clothed swim race against Olympian Ryan Lochte. However, the bigger faux pas came in the wee hours after that silly, but innocent dip in the pool.

Photos soon surfaced of Prince Harry engaged in all manner of naked naughtiness in a hotel suite. There was all kinds of unclothed horseplay with an assortment of equally-unclad young women. The highlight has to be the nude billiards. That's right nude billiards.

There's nothing really wrong with what Harry did especially if one subscribes to the 'What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas' mantra. His only mistake (albeit a really, really big one) was allowing his nude companions to take pictures. Come on, Harry you're royalty, dude. You have to know that there are always going to be people out there looking to make a quick buck off your image. Don't make it easier for them by letting the crown jewels dangle in the wind asking to be photographed by the first opportunistic chick to come along. You're smarter than that.

Again, it's hard to judge a dude for embracing the spirit of Sin City and having what by all appearances was an epic time. But when future debauchery rears its head, make them check their cell phones at the door. Go get em, champ.

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