Tuesday, 03 July 2012 12:15

Celebrity Slam - July 4, 2012

Written by Allen Adams
Tom - Kat

Well, anyone who had 5 years, 7 months and 11 days in the TomKat Marriage Length Pool, you are the winner of a brand new set of bragging rights! That's right, Scientology's power couple has called it quits. Katie Holmes filed for divorce from Tom Cruise late last month, setting the rumor mill abuzz.

Now, I'm not going to get into the reasons for the split here, nor am I going to speculate on the rumors that Katie did this to keep Tom from sending their 6-year-old daughter Suri to an intensive Scientology institute called SeaOrg, Or that the Church was tailing Katie as of late. Nope, those are rumors that haven't been confirmed, so we, as the bastion of journalism we so clearly are, cannot in good faith report those claims.

What I am going to focus on here is the child, Suri. Sweetie, you are young, and you have your whole life ahead of you. Do yourself a favor and get interested in math or accounting or something boring like that. Just don't go into the entertainment field. America would probably love to see you be the next Miley or Lindsay, but don't give in. You are better than that.

Thursday, 21 June 2012 10:50

Ask Todd Parker - June 20, 2012

Written by Todd Parker

Dear Todd Parker,

I'm a party guy like you. I love going out, hitting the bars and drinking some beers. Me and my boys always have a great time. Well, I assume I always have a great time; sometimes the memory gets a little fuzzy. But that's all part of the fun, right?

Things have definitely changed recently. My buddies are all getting into these serious relationships, and they won't go out with me nearly as often as they used to. They're always talking about how they want to stay in and have a quiet night with their ladies instead of going out and tearing it up with me, or if they do come out, it's with their girlfriends, who are always a huge downer. They're all like, 'Rick can only have one beer' or 'We need to be home by nine so we can watch Grey's Anatomy'' or some crap like that.

Thursday, 21 June 2012 10:09

Celebrity Slam - June 20, 2012

Written by Allen Adams
Brown vs. Drake

I for one thought the days of the old-school beef were dead and gone. In this age of constant connection and social media, so much of the disrespect that needed to be dished out face to face can now be done instantly via the power of the internet. Hip-hop hatred has become a thing that is confined to the computer screen more often than not.

But then we get something like last week's incident between Chris Brown and Drake and we're reminded that while words can hurt, thrown bottles usually hurt more.

It all went down on the night of June 13. Brown and Drake were both in attendance at a club called W.i.P. in New York City. Specifics are sketchy everyone has a different story but the general gist seems to be that Brown's and Drake's respective entourages got into a full-on brawl in the club. Said brawl involved bottles being thrown and innocent bystanders getting swept up into (and injured by) the melee, including an Australian model and San Antonio Spurs point guard Tony Parker.

Wednesday, 13 June 2012 14:51

Celebrity Slam - June 13, 2012

Written by Allen Adams
Miss Informed?

Beauty pageants are serious business. While the millions of television watchers out there get a chance to watch the ceremony unfold and see all the glitz and glamor, there's a dark underside to events such as the Miss USA competition. One contestant in this year's pageant Miss Pennsylvania is trying to bring some of those dark machinations into the light.

There's only one problem: she's a lunatic.

Sheena Monnin represented the state of Pennsylvania in the recent Miss USA pageant. She didn't win, but according to her, it wasn't because she failed to measure up. Oh no it was because the entire thing is rigged. Her evidence? She claims that one of her fellow contestants (Miss Florida) saw a list of the five finalists before they were announced. Proof! The fix is in!

Not so fast.

Wednesday, 06 June 2012 12:49

Celebrity Slam - June 6, 2012

Written by Allen Adams
Twitter tribulations

Believe it or not, a good deal of the sayings and doings for which celebrities get slammed completely lack malicious intent. Don't get me wrong it doesn't make these things less stupid. They are very stupid. Still, most of the time, no harm is meant.

The recent controversy surrounding Gwyneth Paltrow and her Twitter feed is a perfect example.

Paltrow was in attendance at a Jay-Z/Kanye West 'Watch The Throne' show in Paris recently. She clearly was feeling it when she took to the interwebs to send this tweet: 'N----s in Paris for real.' She paired that tweet with a picture of the duo on stage.

Thursday, 31 May 2012 08:18

Ask Todd Parker - May 30, 2012

Written by Todd Parker

Dear Todd Parker,

After eight long years in college, I finally graduated this May with my Ph.D. I'm entering a very competitive job market, but I'm not too worried. I was a lot closer to the top of my class than the bottom. That's not what I'm writing about.

My girlfriend and I have been together for over ten years. We started dating in our junior year of high school. For most of undergraduate school, she was our primary support. Since I started grad school, she's basically been our sole support. She worked and I went to school. The plan was for me to get my Ph.D. and graduate, then find a job. After that, she was going to start thinking about grad school herself.

I know this is going to sound awful, but I want to break up with her. I haven't been happy for a really long time and I feel like I need to get out. I know I should have done it earlier, but the time never felt quite right. I don't want to hurt her, but I can't do this anymore.

How do I break it off? And do I owe her any money? What do you think?

Graduate in Old Town

Wednesday, 30 May 2012 12:36

Celebrity Slam - May 30, 2012

Written by Allen Adams
Badass Bieber

There's something irritatingly wholesome about Justin Bieber. Even when he tries to be tough by association hanging out with boxers like Floyd Mayweather and Mike Tyson for example it never quite rings true. He's all goofy grin and haircut heck, that innocence is one of the main reasons he's achieved so much success. Turns out Bieber might be a harder case than we gave him credit for.

A California photographer is alleging that the Biebs beat him up.

According to the report, Bieber and girlfriend Selena Gomez were leaving a Calabasas mall on Sunday when the altercation took place. According to the paparazzo, he was simply trying to take a picture of Bieber and Gomez as they were leaving. Bieber took umbrage and there was apparently a scuffle before the tween idols drove off. The photog claimed injury; an ambulance was called and he was taken to the hospital, examined and released.

Thursday, 24 May 2012 01:01

Celebrity Slam - May 23, 2012

Written by Allen Adams

It's been one of those weeks here at Celebrity Slam. Most of the time, we're lucky enough to get two or three items that really demand the full treatment. However, sometimes, the spotlight-seekers and mouth-breathers manage to mostly behave like functional human beings for a seven-day stretch.

Therefore, we're looking at a quick hits-type column for this edition. We hope to get back to our regularly scheduled in-depth scorn and mockery next week. Thank you for your patience.

Thursday, 24 May 2012 00:59

Ask Todd Parker - May 23, 2012

Written by Todd Parker

Dear Todd Parker,

I'm fresh out of college and working my first real job. I'm the only one of my friends who managed to find a job in their field. Everybody I graduated with is either sending out a million applications or else working somewhere that they hate. They always talk about how incredibly lucky I am to work where I do.

They're right. I am lucky. This is a great job. I like what I do and it's a perfect springboard for me to work my way up the ladder to the career that I'm looking for. I even like the people I work with; they're almost all really nice.


Thursday, 17 May 2012 08:29

Celebrity Slam - May 16, 2012

Written by Allen Adams
Mommy dearest

We've had a lot of fun with the Kardashian clan in this space over the past few years. They have somehow managed to combine a complete lack of discernible talents with utter shamelessness to create a perfect storm of reality watchability. You might not watch their shows I certainly don't but E! wouldn't be coughing up tens of millions of dollars to keep them on the air if no one was tuning in.

However, sometimes the ridiculousness gets to be too much. Lines that shouldn't be crossed are rare in the world of reality television. However, Kardashian matriarch Kris Jenner has found a way to do just that. She told one of her daughters (Khloe) that her father might not be her father and that she should get a DNA test to find out if she's a 'real' Kardashian.

Yep. That happened.

On the season finale of 'Khloe and Lamar,' which aired just a few days ago, Kris Jenner comes right out and tells Khloe she should get a genetic test to determine if Robert Kardashian is her real father. 'There has to be a part of you that wants resolution in your heart,' Kris said. When Khloe was uninterested, Kris kept pushing almost bullying, really.

Khloe's response? 'I don't care either way because my dad is my dad and my stepdad is my stepdad.' It's a shockingly healthy take on the situation from Khloe although subsequent reports say that she might go through with the test anyway.

I hope she doesn't.

Kris Jenner is a terrible person and a worse mom. Her personal obsession with fame has swept up every one of her kids to one degree or another; this is just the most recent (and egregious) example. Leaving aside how awful it must be for a mother to tell her daughter that a father might not be a father, let us not forget that the only reason any of these doubts exist the only reason why Khloe might want 'resolution in her heart' is the fact that Kris wrote a trashy tell-all memoir in which she copped to all kinds of fooling around on husband Robert Kardashian. Her attention to creepy detail ensured that the world would know she was particularly unfaithful in the period leading up to Khloe's conception and birth.

Do these in any way resemble the actions of a woman who loves her children? Or has anything even resembling normal human emotions? She's like some sort of fame-powered android, willing to sacrifice anything and everything including the well-being of her children. It would be bad enough if she was just some psychopath irrationally laying waste to the emotional well-being of her kids. It would still be terrible, but she could maybe seek some sort of help.

Alas, Kris Jenner is fully aware of what she's doing to ALL of her kids. She is pure cold calculation you can almost see the dollar signs in her eyes when she looks at the members of her family. While most parents would look at milestone life events watching her kids get married, holding her grandchildren with a parent's loving, prideful eye. Kris Jenner simply sees a row of numbers adding up to yet another truckload of money to stash in the Kris Jenner Money Bin. It's all horrifically mercenary.

It wasn't our original intent to use this entire space on Kris Jenner. However, in the course of writing this piece, the complete distaste for this woman and what she represents became overwhelming. Of course, the Kardashian kids do bear some degree of responsibility for the circus that their lives have become. It's reality television and they signed the contracts. But there's still a line (blurry and jagged though it might be) and Kris Jenner crossed it gleefully and without remorse. At the end of the day, she basically tried to take Khloe's father away from her all for a bump in the Nielsen rating and a few more books sold. Regardless of the outcome of any test, this familial fracture will take a very long time to heal.

And just think she's got two more young ones left to exploit. God only knows what she'll do to them.

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