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Wednesday, 09 January 2013 11:59

Celebrity Slam - Jan. 9, 2013

Written by Allen Adams

Public relief

In this segment, we're going to discuss two different celebrities. These two men found themselves faced with one of nature's calls in very public places; one was called while at the airport, the other while at the White House. However, each of these men dealt with the situation very differently.

We'll start with Bronson Pelletier, a young actor who stars as one of the werewolves in the thankfully-concluded 'Twilight' series of films. Late last month, Pelletier was taken into custody by security at LAX after urinating in the middle of a terminal while waiting for a flight. Ordinarily, we would qualify that charge with an 'allegedly' especially since the guy claimed he didn't do it.

However, incontrovertible video evidence has surfaced. Seriously there's actually video of the guy straight-up peeing on the floor in an airport. The dude did it.

On the flip side of the coin, you've got 'Today' weatherman Al Roker, who recently revealed an embarrassing event of his own. In a 'Dateline' interview, Roker confessed that during a White House visit a month after his 2002 gastric bypass, he felt the need to fart. He was alone, so he figured he'd let it rip alas, more than mere gas would pass. In his words: 'I pooped my pants.'

Roker bee-lined to the bathroom, ditched the dirty drawers and covered the rest of the event while going commando. That, my friends, is a pro's pro.

The idea of famous people peeing and pooping in public is undeniably hilarious. It's just remarkable to be able to see the spectrum of how such things come to pass. You've got the drunken entitled asshat who thinks that just because he's in some terrible movies, he can do whatever he wants. If there's a bigger douchebag maneuver than taking a leak on an airport carpet, I'd like to hear it. Then you've got the guy who, despite dropping a deuce in his pants (an occurrence which would assuredly bring our respective workdays to a close), went ahead and did his job while at the freaking White House.

It's almost a metaphor for celebrity attitudes: punks do their business wherever they like and damned be the consequences; professionals push through the problems and get st done.

For love of the game

There were a lot of contenders for the second spot in this week's Celebrity Slam. Jimmy Kimmel is starting a talk-how-host beef (one of the finest kinds of beef) with Jay Leno. Charlie Sheen is in the midst of a party-hearty he-said he-said with the mayor of Los Angeles. And of course, there are the free-flowing Justin Bieber weed-smoking allegations.

All of those would be fun stories to address. However, none of them would be quite as much fun as the one we finally settled on.

New York Jets head coach Rex Ryan was on vacation in the Bahamas when a photographer captured a picture of him sporting a tattoo that islet's call it 'interesting.'

The image is a woman bearing a striking resemblance to Ryan's wife Michelle. She is wearing a Jets jersey with the number six the same number as that worn by increasingly-embattled Jets quarterback Mark Sanchez and nothing else. She also appears to be striking the pose popularly known as 'Tebowing' a possible reference to Jets backup QB and ESPN darling Tim Tebow.

When questioned at a press conference, Ryan claimed that if Sanchez didn't shape up, he'd get the tattoo changed. He also said that he's had the ink for three years now, and that the numeric correlation is just a coincidence.

Suffice to say, we call shenanigans on Coach Ryan.

Leaving aside the fact that there's already some established weirdness in the relationship between the Ryans remember the weird foot fetish video stuff from a while back? this is all just a little too convenient. She's wearing your starter's number and posing like your backup; are we really supposed to believe that you didn't do that on purpose? No one cares what unconventional crap you and yours get up to in the bedroom, but you should probably try to keep it to yourself. Permanently inking some weird football/sex amalgam on your arm even if it's something that would be hidden ordinarily just comes off as a creepy announcement of how into quarterbacks your wife is.

Or maybe this is all part of your attempt to motivate your terrible team and even worse quarterback into having something resembling a decent season in 2013. You're a lunatic, after all who knows what you'll get up to?

Wednesday, 02 January 2013 15:03

Celebrity Slam - Jan. 2, 2013

Written by Allen Adams

Baby on board

One of entertainment's biggest power couples has announced an impending addition to their superfamous family.

That's right: Kim Kardashian is going to have Kanye West's baby. He made the announcement from the stage at a concert in Atlantic City, telling the world that Kim was pregnant. She is reportedly about 12 weeks along.

Thursday, 20 December 2012 09:50

Celebrity Slam - Dec. 19, 2012

Written by Allen Adams

Rainmaking regrets

The idea of 'making it rain' in a strip club has almost become cultural shorthand. It precisely captures a certain attitude with regards to wealth and self-importance. Usually, it's the sort of situation where everybody wins.

But sometimes, making it rain goes awry.

Thursday, 13 December 2012 11:13

Celebrity Slam - Dec. 12, 2012

Written by Allen Adams

Much ado about nothing

Celebrity couples can sometimes have it rough. Their relationships play out in the harsh glare of the spotlight. And when things get rocky, said rockiness is laid out for the entire world to see.

Ice-T and his wife Coco are currently walking down that rocky road.

Wednesday, 05 December 2012 13:43

Celebrity Slam - Dec. 5, 2012

Written by Allen Adams

Boy band brawler

It's easy to forget that in a lot of ways, famous people are more or less just like us. While they have made their livings by placing themselves in the spotlight, that doesn't mean they don't occasionally want to just do stuff like regular people.

Of course, it also means they have to behave like regular people something they don't necessarily have a firm grasp on.

Thursday, 29 November 2012 00:24

Ask Todd Parker - Nov. 28, 2012

Written by Todd Parker

Dear Todd Parker,

A buddy and I have been debating something for a while now and I thought it was something that you might have an interesting take on.

We have this mutual friend. Call him Jeff. A couple of years ago, Jeff dated this girl for about six months. They broke up, but they still liked each other afterward. No hard feelings or anything. They both moved on from there. A couple of months after they ended things, Jeff met his current girlfriend and they're very happy.

Wednesday, 28 November 2012 17:32

Celebrity Slam - Nov. 28, 2012

Written by Allen Adams

Thanksgiving throwdown

The holidays can be a stressful time. Every family unit has its own unique quirks; these quirks can definitely lead to strained interpersonal relations. We've all had to deal with a horrifyingly racist grandparent or a druncle or two; it's all a part of dealing with the season. But there are certain lines that shouldn't be crossed, no matter how awkward the circumstances.

For instance, getting into a full-on brawl with your baby mama's new man on her front lawn in front of your kid on Thanksgiving morning is not acceptable behavior. And yet that's exactly what Gabriel Aubry father of Halle Berry's 4-year-old daughter Nahla did.

Wednesday, 21 November 2012 14:27

Celebrity Slam - Nov. 21, 2012

Written by Allen Adams

This week in Lohans

Here at Celebrity Slam, we do our best to avoid going back to the same well too frequently. Making fun of the same handful of celebrities every week isn't necessarily our aim; the goal is to spread the sweet mockery amongst all those who deserve it. However, occasionally our hands are forced.

That's right, boys and girls it's the Lohans!

Wednesday, 14 November 2012 16:52

Celebrity Slam - Nov. 14, 2012

Written by Allen Adams

The end of an era

Here at Celebrity Slam, we've seen a whole mess of famous people riding the romantic roller coaster. In a world jam-packed with people who are both pretty and pedantic, it's no surprise that their relationships come and go at a fairly high frequency. Most of the time, it's just business as usual.

However, when a pop culture power couple bites the dust, it warrants our attention.

Wednesday, 07 November 2012 17:42

Celebrity Slam - Nov. 7, 2012

Written by Allen Adams

Impersonating an agent

As regular readers of this space well know, we feel strongly that some of the best idiocy is drunken idiocy. When the rich and famous are in their cups, we tend to get a glimpse of how they really feel; that sense of 'I'm above the rules' entitlement really comes to the forefront 'In vino veritas' and all that.

Our latest entrant in that particular intoxicated moron pageant is actor Sam Worthington.

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