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The year in Celebrity Slam 2017

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One of the things that we love to do as every year comes to a close is take a look back on everything that we addressed in this space over the past 12 months. It’s a chance to say good-bye to the wackiness and weirdness of the celebrity sphere in 2017. Some of it good, some of it bad … and a whole lot of it just plain dumb.

Let’s take a minute to look back at just a few of the highlights (or lowlights) from Celebrity Slam 2017.

Let’s start with the Flat Earth business.

That’s right. 2017 saw multiple mentions in this space about people – famous people – who believe that the Earth is flat. The fact that there’s anyone out there who genuinely believes this to be true is nonsense enough, but for people with an actual platform to throw that pseudo-scientific garbage out into the world, well … it’s just sad.

There were two major offenders as far as the Flat Earth goes. The first was rapper B.o.B., who first landed on our radar (radar that, by the way, WOULDN’T WORK IF THE EARTH WAS FLAT) back in 2016, re-upped his lunacy by starting a crowdfunding campaign to prove the Earth’s flatness with balloons or something. He clearly didn’t know what he was talking about, but that didn’t stop people from inexplicably giving him money.

The other one is NBA star Kyrie Irving. His status as a Flat Earther first came into focus while he was a member of the Cleveland Cavaliers, and so we scorned and mocked him accordingly. Then, of course, he was traded to the Boston Celtics, which complicated things a little bit as we’re unabashed homers here at Celebrity Slam, but ultimately, we can root for him on the court while calling him a nutbar off it, so it’s fine. We worked through it.

Another favorite this year is the sadly fascinating and utterly confusing rise to prominence of one Danielle Bregoli, who turned a combination of teenage delinquency and a faux-street catchphrase into 15 minutes of fame (15 minutes that, mercifully, appear to have run out). She’s the girl who coined the whole “How Bow Dah” and “Cash Me Ousside” things that were prominent memes for a hot minute. We don’t even pretend to understand this whole thing, but she punched a woman on an airplane, so there’s that.

We had a couple of Shia LaBeouf sightings in 2017 – big surprise, I know – but he really went above and beyond back in April when he got wasted at a bowling alley and then got into a fight with a dude who wouldn’t sell him French fries. Or something. It was never particularly clear what the problem was, but Shia had no problem getting rowdy and tossing off some profanities and a little casual racism.

Oh, and we DEFINITELY need to talk about Jaden Smith. Despite having all the makings of a Celebrity Slam regular, we don’t often see Will’s little boy grace this space. But when he does, hoo boy. He had this whole feud with the Four Seasons in Toronto where he essentially claimed that because there was chees in his pancakes, it meant that the hotel was trying to kill him. Leaving aside the fact that the place is famous for Lemon Ricotta Pancakes, so maybe pay attention to what you’re ordering, even if you’re vegan, cheese isn’t going to kill you. Honestly – he’s not here often, but when he is here, he’s worth it.

As for the rest, well … we had celebrity beefs where we could make fun of both sides and celebrity couples for whom we could delight in generating our own portmanteaus. The usual suspects showed up occasionally – Justin Bieber was around, as per usual, and we got a healthy dose of Taylor Swift – but we also saw a lot less of former Celebrity Slam stalwarts like the Kardashians.

We made fun of Michael Phelps for not really racing a shark and mocked that guy with was in “Aliens” for talking about aliens. George Lopez got wasted on a KISS cruise and Diddy changed his name for a second and that dude from Queens of the Stone Age kicked a photographer in the face.

So, you know – pretty typical year, all in all. Here’s to more celebrity shenanigans in 2018!

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