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Wednesday, 19 September 2012 12:47

Celebrity Slam - Sept. 19, 2012

Written by Allen Adams
A sauced Tomato

Olympic snowboarder/professional skateboarder/noted ginger Shaun White found himself in police custody recently after getting hammered and going absolutely berserk in a Nashville hotel. The Flying Tomato got super drunk and proceeded to absolutely trash his room before wandering out into the halls at 2 am. When he was confronted by hotel staffers, White then proceeded to start pulling fire alarms and generally act like an utter a-hole.

Then he made a break for it. He didn't get far.

A bystander outside the hotel attempted to keep White from leaving the scene in a taxi. White then allegedly kicked the guy and ran for it. The concerned citizen chased after White; the two wound up colliding and White crashed into a fence. White was taken to a nearby hospital for treatment and was booked for vandalism and public intoxication while there.

It goes without saying that this is the exact sort of item for which Celebrity Slam was created.

There's nothing quite like a professional athlete letting loose. The combination of vast amounts of disposable income and an inherent sense of physical invulnerability can lead to some absolutely epic moments of complete lunacy.

And for it to be Shaun White? Cute little red-haired Shaun White? Magnificent.

Granted, trashing hotel rooms is kind of clich; it's the kind of old-school misbehavior that you wouldn't expect from a 21st century cool kid like White. That's actually why it's so awesome; it's like the kid was channeling Keith Moon. The fact that his flight attempt was thwarted by some rando is just the drunken maraschino cherry on this delicious mlange of minor criminality. The only thing that could have made this better is if he actually tried to get away on a skateboard preferably by clinging to the bumper of a passing car a la Marty McFly.

If there's an Olympic event in committing misdemeanors, Shaun White just won the gold.

A hardcore fan

For a lot of famous folks, sporting events are little more than an opportunity to see and be seen. They show up late, leave early and generally do the bare minimum to look like a real fan. Then you've got people like Jack Nicholson, Spike Lee and Dyan Cannon legitimately hardcore sports fans that root for their teams for no reason other than a love of sport.

Eric Stonestreet apparently falls into the latter category.

Stonestreet, one of the stars of 'Modern Family,' found himself in a heated confrontation at a recent baseball game between the Dodgers and Cardinals. It all started when a St. Louis fan started heckling Dodger slugger Matt Kemp. Kemp just rolled his eyes and laughed it off.

However, Stonestreet, who was sitting near the heckler in question, wasn't about to let it go, shouting 'Matt Kemp should have come over and punched you in the face!' The fan claims that Stonestreet then approached a security guard and said something like 'Somebody needs to kick this guy's ass.' The shouting match continued with insults flying; at one point, a friend of the fan snapped at Stonestreet, 'Well you're a fatass!' At that point, Stonestreet decided to get up close and personal with his new friends and the exchange grew heated.

Security quickly broke up the fracas and escorted all of the involved parties up to the main concourse at which point the fan claims Stonestreet went full-on 'Don't you know who I am?' At the end of the day, Stonestreet returned to his seat while the heckling fan and his buddy were asked to leave.

I love everything about this.

Full disclosure: I admire the fact that Mr. Stonestreet stood up for his team. Passionate fandom is awesome. However, it was perhaps handled indelicately. Telling the heckler that Kemp should kick his ass is a perfect response, but that's when it should have stopped. Asking security to kick the guy's ass? Not a great move. Neither was getting back into it with the guy. I mean, come on the fat joke is the one that crosses the line? At least make the asshat work for it.

And don't even get me started on the 'Don't you know who I am?' crap. Weak sauce, dude; you're cleverer than that.

Go Dodgers!

Wednesday, 12 September 2012 11:58

Celebrity Slam - Sept. 12, 2012

Written by Allen Adams

A weekend to forget

This was not a great weekend for Miley Cyrus.

The former 'Hannah Montana' star had to deal with the law on two separate and unrelated occasions this weekend.

The first unfortunate incident an incident for which Cyrus is blameless came when some lunatic hopped the fence surrounding her Los Angeles home and started wandering around brandishing a pair of scissors. The intruder was apprehended and taken away. Scary stuff.

The second (and far more hilarious) incident took place Saturday night at a Hollywood nightclub. Cyrus and her boyfriend Liam Hemsworth allegedly wound up in an altercation with some people sitting near them at Beacher's Madhouse at the Roosevelt Hotel.

The alleged victim claims that he and his friends accidentally bumped Hemsworth's chair. Words were exchanged and tensions quickly escalated. According to the claimant, Hemsworth got in the man's face and Cyrus jumped up to separate the two men. When she did so, he alleges that she pushed him away and struck him in the face. Cyrus's representatives are calling the whole thing 'false and erroneous' and people who claim to have witnessed the argument say that Miley never took a swing. As it stands right now, Cyrus is considered a criminal battery suspect.

It's too early to say what really happened, but let's be real: it sure seems plausible, doesn't it? Miley Cyrus has done a lot of stupid things in her day; is it really that unreasonable to think she took a shot at a dude because he was mouthing off to her boyfriend? You'd think that someone with her history of poor judgment would think twice before getting into a screaming match with some rando, regardless of whether the argument ever progressed to the physical. We tried to let the crazy haircut slide, but this is a bridge too far.

We honestly thought you might be growing up a little, Miley. There was a nice stretch there when it seemed like you were getting your act together. Thenboom! It's all crazy head shaving and getting in fights with dudes at nightclubs.

Oh well. Next weekend has to be better, right?

Creepy with a side of weird

Kanye West is weird. We can all agree on that. His planet-sized ego combined with his general disdain for basic social mores makes him one of the most bizarre of pop culture's luminaries. So yeah, Kanye is weird.

But we couldn't possibly have known just how weird.

It has recently come to light that Kanye has been borderline obsessed with his current girlfriend Kim Kardashian since long before the pair started dating. Apparently, Kanye's 2009 song 'Knock You Down' contains several lyrics that were penned specifically to address Kardashian (who was dating NFL player Reggie Bush at the time).

It's the lyrics devoted to Kim on his latest single that have raised some eyebrows, however. The song 'Clique' contains the line 'Eat breakfast at Gucci/My girl a superstar all from a home movie,' a reference to Kardashian's infamous career launching pad of a sex tape. Sounds like he's okay with it, right?

Turns out he is way more than just okay with it.

Multiple sources have come forward to state that Kanye actually used to watch Kim's sex tape to get himself in the mood. Apparently, he even occasionally went so far as to watch the tape whilelet's call it 'entertaining' members of the opposite sex.

To each their own and all that, but holy crap - that is creepy. Did Kim know about Kanye's proclivity? If so, who told her? If Kanye told her, why? For that matter, why would he tell anybody at all? That's the sort of pathetic weirdness that you should really keep to yourself. Do you suppose he still watches the tape even though she's the one being'entertained'? Is she so delusional and self-absorbed that she views this as some sort of compliment?

Kim and Kanye a match made in batst crazy heaven.

Wednesday, 05 September 2012 12:36

Celebrity Slam - Sept. 5, 2012

Written by Allen Adams

The end of an era

The Celebrity Slam banner is flying at half-mast these days, because one of our constant sources of spotlight-seeking shenanigans has announced that it is coming to a close.

That's right 'Jersey Shore' will be no more.

After six seasons, the MTV 'reality' show is coming to a conclusion. The decision was announced just before Season 6 episodes began airing, with network executives saying that the time had come the show's stars were growing up and moving in new directions with their lives. The Situation went to rehab and is now living sober. Deena, Sammi and Ronnie are all dealing with maturing relationships. And of course, there's Snooki's new baby (she was pregnant throughout the season's filming).

Wednesday, 29 August 2012 12:14

Celebrity Slam - Aug. 29, 2012

Written by Allen Adams

Been caught stealing

Believe it or not, one of our constant hopes here at Celebrity Slam is that our column regulars find ways to keep themselves out of our snarky crosshairs. It would be nice to think that these celebs can figure out how to function as normal humans and avoid saying and doing the idiotic things that result in their being lambasted in this space. Every once in a while, one of them even manages it.

Lindsay Lohan is not one of them.

These new allegations spring from a house party held at the Hollywood Hills home of rich guy Sam Magid reportedly a close friend of Lohan's. Magid called the police to report the theft of $100,000 worth of watches, sunglasses and other items. According to reports, LiLo frequently visits the estate, even attending an all-night rager a couple of weeks ago.

The LAPD have added LiLo and her assistant to the list of suspects, even though the erstwhile 'actress' has already tried to throw at least one acquaintance under the bus Andrew Knight, a young man who claims to be the son of rap producer/lunatic Suge Knight. However, the cops didn't buy her story.

According to Magid, Knight and another young man who was present at the house told him that Lohan had handed them a bag containing some of the stolen items wrapped in one of her T-shirts. The two men returned the items. Magid also said that Lohan explained some of the other missing items by saying she had hidden them around the house because she feared they'd be stolen. Of course, she also confessed to being on Ambien at the time, so the whole mess is rather conveniently hazy.

Magid has since recanted the story, saying nothing was stolen, but the cops aren't buying that either; they've got independent witnesses who point the finger at Lohan and her assistant. So the investigation continues.

Do you follow all of that? Because I'm not sure I do.

Here's a quick tip for you, Lindsay: you are never going to get away with anything ever again. Ever. You have thoroughly torched any chance you'll have of getting the benefit of the doubt especially from the LAPD. Your flimsy stories and Ambien excuses just aren't going to cut it anymore. The truth is that you're going to have to start sucking it up and taking responsibility for your actions. Think of it this way: when authority figures are more inclined to believe Suge Knight's kid than you, you've pretty much bottomed out in terms of credibility.

Whatever deluded concept you have of your own celebrity, it's time to face facts: it's not the shield it once was. Your fame doesn't protect you anymore. You have created a world where the public is willing to believe literally anything that we hear about you. You are no longer untouchable.

Alas, poor LiLo, the time has come for you to take responsibility for your actions. A harsh lesson, perhaps, but it's time to grow up.

The Prince's new clothes

This next item is less a Slam and more of a Wrist Slap ('Celebrity Wrist Slap' doesn't have quite the same ring to it [Sweet band name, though]).

If you haven't heard, Prince Harry (he's the one who's not going to be King of England) took a recent trip to Las Vegas and got up to all kinds of shenanigans. For instance, the Prince engaged in a semi-clothed swim race against Olympian Ryan Lochte. However, the bigger faux pas came in the wee hours after that silly, but innocent dip in the pool.

Photos soon surfaced of Prince Harry engaged in all manner of naked naughtiness in a hotel suite. There was all kinds of unclothed horseplay with an assortment of equally-unclad young women. The highlight has to be the nude billiards. That's right nude billiards.

There's nothing really wrong with what Harry did especially if one subscribes to the 'What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas' mantra. His only mistake (albeit a really, really big one) was allowing his nude companions to take pictures. Come on, Harry you're royalty, dude. You have to know that there are always going to be people out there looking to make a quick buck off your image. Don't make it easier for them by letting the crown jewels dangle in the wind asking to be photographed by the first opportunistic chick to come along. You're smarter than that.

Again, it's hard to judge a dude for embracing the spirit of Sin City and having what by all appearances was an epic time. But when future debauchery rears its head, make them check their cell phones at the door. Go get em, champ.

Wednesday, 22 August 2012 12:35

Celebrity Slam - Aug. 22, 2012

Written by Allen Adams
Not necessarily news

Albert Einstein once said that the definition of insanity was doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

Apparently, when it comes to driving, Amanda Bynes is certifiable.

It hasn't been a good stretch for Bynes. She was busted for DUI back in April and was involved in three, count em, three hit-and-run incidents two in May and one in the beginning of August.

Time to add another automotive mishap to the list.

According to reports, Bynes was involved in yet another accident on the night of August 20. She was driving in the San Fernando Valley around 8 pm when her rental car was rear-ended by another vehicle. The driver of the other car is claiming that Bynes made a reckless maneuver and that caused the collision. Police officers showed up, but no tickets were issued.

Wednesday, 15 August 2012 12:57

Celebrity Slam - Aug. 15, 2012

Written by Allen Adams
Cinco de drinko

If there's one thing that I've learned about the rich and famous over the years, it's that far too many of them have no grasp of the concept of drinking responsibly. Often, it's very much the opposite. A number of celebrities have appeared in this space due to their ridiculous deeds and actions while under the influence.

Still, this last one has been a big one for drunken hijinks. Let's go to the rundown, shall we?

The big one is of course Randy Travis. The country star was popped for his second DWI in six months after he crashed his car. What makes this arrest particularly spectacular is the fact that Travis was allegedly completely naked at the time he was apprehended. In addition, there's apparently security footage from a nearby convenience store that has Travis stopping to buy cigarettesalso while naked. Travis was also charged with retaliation and obstruction according to police, Travis verbally threatened an officer during his arrest.

Wednesday, 08 August 2012 14:15

Celebrity Slam - Aug. 8, 2012

Written by Allen Adams

An old-school feud

There are few things we here at Celebrity Slam enjoy more than a good old-fashioned celebrity beef. Watching the veneer drop and the claws come out is just delightful. And every once in a while, when the legends step to the plate we're talking the uberfamous - you get a really epic p---ing match.

Our sincerest thanks to Sir Elton John. In an interview recently given to an Australian television station, Mr. John took the Material Girl herself to task.

That's right he started taking shots at Madonna. You know this is going to be good.

Wednesday, 01 August 2012 13:20

Celebrity Slam - Aug. 1, 2012

Written by Allen Adams
Robsten no more?

So it looks like there's trouble brewing for Hollywood's second-favorite portmanteau (you're still number one, Brangelina!). That's right: Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart are on the rocks.

Some photos came to light last week of K-Stew engaged in all kinds of naughty cheaty activity with Rupert Sanders, the older (and extremely married) director of her film 'Snow White and the Huntsman.' These pictures are the sort of smoking gun that is extremely difficult to ignore.

She should have tried.

Wednesday, 25 July 2012 13:17

Celebrity Slam - July 25, 2012

Written by Allen Adams
All in the family

One might think that the tragic death of a loved one might lead a once-fractured family unit to put aside their petty differences.

In the case of Michael Jackson's family, one would be wrong. The utter lunacy is coming pretty fast and furious at this point, so it's difficult to sort out all of the particulars.

It seems to have started on Saturday night, when Katherine Jackson Michael's mother was reported missing by one of her nephews. It turns out that she was just 'whisked away from the chaos' surrounding the family home; she was taken to Arizona to see a few of the shows on her sons' Unity Tour. Unfortunately, they didn't tell anyone, not even Michael's three children the same three children to whom Katherine serves as guardian. Nor did they tell any other family membersor the LAPD.

Thursday, 19 July 2012 09:06

Celebrity Slam - July 18, 2012

Written by Allen Adams

Fallen Idol'?

It's pretty safe to assume that every single person who reads this has heard of 'American Idol.' The Fox singing competition has been one of the most popular programs on television for the entirety of its 11-season run. It spent seven straight years from 2005 to 2011 atop the Nielsen rankings, the first show in history to achieve that feat.

That epic run may be coming to an end.

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