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Celebrity Slam - Whirlwind romance

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We’ve spent the past couple of weeks really digging into the ridiculous beef between Drake and Pusha T. And as anyone who follows this space with regularity knows, we sure do enjoy that sizzling steak – steak that those two have served up piping hot and perfectly prepared.

But we’re not solely beef-focused here at Celebrity Slam (though we obviously embrace it); we thought we might indulge in our other great love this week.

That’s right – it’s new celebrity couple time!

We’ve got to get into the whole Ariana Grande/Pete Davidson thing. We were planning on giving that relationship a little time to develop – they’ve only been a thing for something like a month – but the pop star and “SNL” player clearly think waiting is for suckers … because they’re officially engaged.

Yeah. Really.

Yes, we knew that things were getting hot and heavy really quickly – it was just last week that Davidson got tatted up with not one, but two examples of Ariana-inspired ink: one behind his ear and the other on his thumb. But we didn’t know that they were THIS heavy.

It’s the first engagement for each of them – both are just 24 years old – and they went to Disneyland to celebrate.

We’ll start with the obvious reality here – this seems a bit rushed. Both of them were still being linked to previous relationships as late as last month. This is all happening very quickly, and while we admire their willingness to throw caution to the wind in the name of passion, it would seem that they’re asking for trouble. Not to be naysayers, but … is this really how lasting relationships are built?

Neither one of them has shown any real propensity for commitment, but then again, who has at age 24? Is it possible that these two have simply found and latched onto a kindred spirit, discovering in a matter of mere days that each was the other’s true love? Of course it’s POSSIBLE – it just isn’t particularly likely. This sort of white-hot start tends to burn itself out rather than display any real staying power.

That’s not to say we’re not rooting for them. The world is chock full of nonsense and pain lately; if these two crazy kids can find love and make a go of it, we say good for them. Consider all of our fingers crossed.

But really, our primary objective – as it is anytime a new celebrity pairing pops up – is to determine what their couple name is going to be. And so?

Portmanteau time!

This one is going to be an interesting one, due to the relative disparity in levels of fame. While we like Pete Davidson – he’s a funny guy and has been solid as a featured player on “SNL” – he’s got nothing on Ariana Grande, who is one of the most famous pop stars out there. She is far and away the shinier star in this particular binary; that difference in levels has to be acknowledged in the construction of the portmanteau. Make no mistake – this is going to be a tough one.

The last names present some difficulty – while there’s something amusing about the idea of referring to a pair of twentysomething celebrities as “Grandson,” it doesn’t quite give us the impact that we’re looking for. “Davinde” is a little bit better, even if it does sound a little like an Americanized version of a traditional Indian dish. Still, neither one of these really works.

One crossover effort shows some promise. While “Arianson” is bad, “Perande” isn’t terrible. It’s not great, but it isn’t terrible.

Ultimately, however, we’re going to have to go with a first-name combo: “Pariana.” Yes, it’s a bit unconventional for us to put the less famous of the duo first, but the breakdown – one single letter from him followed by her full name – makes their relative importance clear. And the truth is that “Pariana” just sounds good – it’s a quality mashup, capturing their fame while also sliding that “pair” homophone in there as well.

Sure, this is probably all a waste of time and they’re going to break up in a week or whatever, but for now, we here at Celebrity Slam get to experience the pure, simple joy of a portmanteau well done. Sometimes, the work itself is enough.

Here’s to Pariana!

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