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Celebrity Slam - Mar. 27, 2013

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Say it ain't so, Franco!

We think we know celebrities. We're constantly deluged with information about them, even outside their various film, television and music projects. All that data comes together and paints a picture of the famous that seems to be reliable in a general sense. We don't necessarily know specifics of their personal lives, but their professional ones seem relatively clear.

But then something happens that completely turns your worldview upside down. Such an event recently took place involving actor James Franco.

Franco recently started work on a new film as yet untitled and by all accounts, he has been hard-working, invested and totally on board with the entire project. He has thrown himself wholeheartedly into his work, showing up early and staying late and generally really caring about what he has been doing.

Who is this man, and what has he done with James Franco?

James Franco's whole persona has been built around the idea that he is far too smart and too cool to buy into the whole 'Hollywood thing.' No matter what the project, he has gone out of his way to project his half-lidded stoner attitude throughout, doing his level best to avoid giving the slightest impression of caring. At all. This despite the fact that people have paid him millions of dollars.

Suddenly, he's industrious and respectful of what he does? He takes his job seriously? What are we supposed to think, Franco? Huh? What happened to the slackass who sleepwalks through movie roles to collect paychecks and then spouts pretentious crap in an effort to convince everyone that he's a genius? Where's that guy? 

You can't play games like this with us, James. We have certain expectations of you; we expect that you're going to phone it in and make it very clear that you totally have better things to do with your time. Hard work and commitment to the craft is not what we signed up for, man. If you start giving a crap, we're going to have to confront the hard truth that you aren't nearly as talented as we've all agreed to pretend you are.

You need to nip this trying thing in the bud, Franco. And you need to do it yesterday.

Bieber fever: threat or menace?

We've had a lot of fun in this space at the expense of one Justin Bieber. While most of his bad decisions have been typical teenager stuff, the fact is that he's in the public eye, so we're going to mock him anytime he screws up. It's the nature of the beast.

However, certain revelations have recently surfaced that paint young Bieber in a much more sinister light.

Critics and fans of Bieber's work alike have been known to use the term 'Bieber fever' as a way to define the slavish, almost cult-like devotion to the pop singer and his music. It's a cutesy, off-rhyming piece of terminology.

It is also terrifyingly real.

Bieber fever is not a joke. It is a legitimate condition causing hallucinatory delusions, massive mood swings and wildly erratic and illogical behavior. Other symptoms include elevated body temperatures and an extreme jump in vocal pitch. What makes the disease truly scary, however, is its method of transmission.

It is the first recorded instance of an aurally transmitted disease.

While it is perhaps going too far to state categorically that Bieber is knowingly spreading this disease in a global pandemic, the implication is that the young Canadian is well aware of what he is doing not least because the diseased are afflicted with an unending thirst for more of the same 'music' that infected them in the first place.

What kind of monster would allow such damage to be wrought on the world? Especially on people whose only crime is loving Bieber too much? Of course, it could also be true that the boy is little more than a pawn in the machinations of the power elite could the whole thing be part of a grander plan initiated by high-level Illuminati such as Ellen DeGeneres and Usher? Could their vital roles in introducing this seemingly inoffensive bubblegum pop be driven by darker motives?

Who can say?

According to the CDC, there is as yet no effective vaccine against Bieber fever. All you can do is pray that you might avoid infection approximately 10 to 15 percent of the population (almost all above the age of 40) is naturally immune. Keep your ears covered.

And for the love of God, never ever touch Justin Bieber.

WEB EDITORS NOTE: These articles appeared as part of our 2013 April Fools Edition. Please don't believe a word of it.

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