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Celebrity Slam (08/16/2017)

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Cruise control

Tom Cruise is one of those spotlight-seekers that we just love here at Celebrity Slam. His combination of manic sincerity and out-there beliefs has been a reliable touchstone in the world of making fun of famous folks. He’s both undeniably weird and one of the biggest movie stars of his generation – and perhaps THE biggest.

Part of what makes him such a draw is his pathological need to be liked. There is no one in Hollywood more committed to doing whatever it takes to satisfy his fans. That commitment leads him to make all manner of questionable decisions with regards to what he is willing to do on a movie set.

We’ve heard story after story of Cruise throwing himself into these action movies to an extent far beyond what most of his peers are willing to do. He climbs up the side of Dubai skyscrapers and straps himself to the outside of airplanes as they take off. He’ll punch and kick and jump and do pretty much anything any director tells him to do – all in the name of possibly making you forget for a minute just how strange a dude he actually is.

He’s been pretty lucky for the most part, but a recent incident might have reminded him that even Tom Cruise’s luck must some day run out.

Cruise is currently in London filming the sixth movie in the “Mission: Impossible” franchise. As per usual, he’s frantically throwing himself into harm’s way to prove … well … whatever it is he’s trying to prove at this point. It’s difficult to tell, frankly.

Anyway, he recently took part in a stunt that did not go at all as planned. According to a pair of videos obtained by TMZ, Cruise was attempting a rooftop jump for the film when things went awry. He made two passes at it, missing the mark both times and slamming into the side of the target building. After the second misfire – seemingly the far more painful of the two – Cruise was hauled up to the roof, only to come up limping.

As of press time, there’s no word as to the ultimate severity of the injury.

First things first – we get it. Kind of. Cruise is a guy who is very much invested in the experience of his fans. Plus, he’s clearly terrified at the idea of fading from relevance, so he’s willing to do anything and everything to make sure that everyone still knows him and (he hopes) loves him. And making the effort to give his very best is an admirable quality, so it makes sense that he would try and do the stunt himself.

Once.

One time. You get one go, Tom. And if it doesn’t work, you need to go ahead and step back and allow the stunt professionals to do their jobs. Particularly if your one go ends with you leaping from a rooftop only to crash into the side of a building.

Here’s the thing, man – you’re not actually Ethan Hunt. You’re not a real superspy. Moreover, no one else thinks you’re a real superspy either. We know you’re an actor, man. No amount of frantic self-endangerment is going to make us believe otherwise.

And – not to be cruel – but aren’t you getting to be just a little bit old for this? You’re 55 years old, man. Obviously, you take good care of yourself and are in phenomenal shape, but still – 55. It’s OK to ease up on the throttle, dude. Sure, you’re probably terrified of what might happen if you actually slow down long enough to spend some quality time with your thoughts, but again – 55.

By the way, all of this leaves aside the fact that if you’re genuinely injured, a whole bunch of people are going to lose millions upon millions of dollars when filming is delayed.

It’s not all about you, Tom. So maybe next time you’re thinking about parachuting out of a burning airplane or whatever other nonsense you’ve got going on, stop and ask yourself why. But we all know you won’t. Because you’re Tom Cruise and you’re a lunatic.

And ultimately, we wouldn’t have you any other way. Shine on, you crazy diamond.

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