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edge staff writer


Celebrity Slam (08/09/2017)

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Dog days for R-Patz

There are all sorts of things that famous people can do to land themselves in this space. While the usual gamut of sayings and doings is relatively small, the truth is that you never know just how bizarre things might get. And when things get bizarre, well … Celebrity Slam is there.

One such bizarre instance involves actor Robert Pattinson. You might remember Robert making fairly regular appearances in this space in the past – his “Twilight” megastardom and weirdo romance with co-star Kristen Stewart led him into more than a few Slammable situations.

But he’s been gone for some time – neither he nor K-Stew have appeared in this space for years now. He’s back this week, though. Boy oh boy is he ever back.

It all springs from a story that Pattinson told Jimmy Kimmel on “Jimmy Kimmel Live” last week. According to R-Patz, the director of his new film “Good Time” asked him to perform a lewd act involving his hand and a dog’s … business. Eventually, the director relented and allowed Pattinson to perform said act on a prosthetic.

Everyone’s favorite self-righteous lunatics PETA immediately threw themselves into the fray with their usual spotlight-seeking gusto, declaring that the director was a monster and compared the suggested act to much worse in a display of their standard inability to maintain anything remotely resembling a normal human perspective. They called Pattinson a hero.

Only as it turns out – JK LOL.

Pattinson says that the whole story was a fabrication, an effort at a joke that clearly proved unsuccessful.

And there we have it – Robert Pattinson thinks that made-up stories about dog-fondling are hilarious and PETA thinks they are among the worst crimes ever committed.

Where to even begin? R-Patz, baby – use your head. In what world does telling a story about potentially touching a dog’s whatnot ever have a positive outcome? It would have taken real effort to come up with a story that was less funny and more unpleasant, so what exactly caused you to land on that as your talk show anecdote? Because you certainly seemed invested in making the bit work – so much so that you captured the attention of the raving lunatics of PETA.

Was this some sort of misguided attempt at generating buzz for your movie? Because again, there are nigh-infinite numbers of better choices to be made in that situation. That was a task that could be accomplished by all manner of stories – all of which, we might add, do not involve you getting digitally intimate with a canine.

And PETA, well – PETA is a whole different thing. But leaving aside their typical massive overreaction … there’s a point buried in there. While the wild criminal comparisons aren’t appropriate, they’re not wrong in being repulsed by the idea.

When you’ve done something that forces a rational human to concede that PETA has a point, then you’ve done something that is truly and spectacularly off. You’re off the rails, my friend. No two ways about it.

And again – all that leaves aside the fact that you thought it would be funny to tell this kind of story. Unless of course you actually WERE telling the truth, in which case there are a whole bunch of other questions that we’d all probably like answers to.

Look, we’ve never been on the road as part of a press junket to promote a movie. We don’t really know what it’s like. We imagine it’s pretty boring, sitting there and giving the same canned answers to the same tired questions over and over and over again. The temptation to stir things up is probably fairly significant. We can understand that.

But this? It’s just so … weird.

Make no mistake – we’ve missed having you around, R-Patz. You were a very important part of Celebrity Slam for a long time. You’ve done pretty well for yourself as far as moving past the dual stigma of “Twilight” and your celebrity relationship, but we really used to love making fun of you about those very things. So obviously, we’re thrilled to have a chance to visit with you again, but if you’d like to stay off this page, here’s a bit of friendly advice.

Don’t be jerking people - or dogs - around.


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