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Celebrity Slam (05/10/2017)

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Simmons sues

We here at Celebrity Slam have a lot of fun at the expense of the rich and famous out there. Their foibles and exploits are rich fodder for the sorts of takedowns that we particularly enjoy.

However, this is all mostly intended to be in good fun. We poke at them because sometimes their ego bubbles could use a little deflation. It’s silly and foolish the majority of the time, though admittedly we can get biting with our comments.

(Not that it matters, because none of the people we write about will ever read a word of it. Really, it’s just between you and us.)

However, there are certain lines we won’t cross. Things we won’t joke about. And we certainly wouldn’t just make something up out of whole cloth.

But that is precisely what former exercise guru and current recluse Richard Simmons claims that the National Enquirer has done in running stories that claim, among other things, that Simmons had been transitioning to a woman – a claim Simmons flatly denies and calls “cruel and malicious” in a recently filed lawsuit against American Media, parent company to the tabloid.

In the suit, Simmons says that the Enquirer was banking on him not suing for fear of displaying a lack of sympathy for LGBTQ rights.

We suppose it’s possible that the Enquirer is right and Simmons is lying, but the question there is why would he? They’re standing by the story, which probably says something about their confidence in their sources, but in the end, whether or not the story is true isn’t really the point.

Even if it IS true, what right do they have to take control of that narrative away from Richard Simmons. Yes, it’s ironic and probably at least a little hypocritical to say that in this space, but still – we’re not journalists here, tabloid or otherwise. And yes, this is what tabloids have always been to some extent.

But that doesn’t make it right.

The truth of the matter will almost certainly come to light soon enough; it’s just a shame that it has been made our business by someone other than the person involved.

Whatever the answer – you do you, Richard Simmons. Whoever that might turn out to be.

This week in portmanteaus

It should come as no surprise to regular readers of Celebrity Slam that we sure do love us a new celebrity couple. And again, it isn’t because we have any real investment in the outcome of the relationship or even how long it lasts.

We’re here for the portmanteaus.

And we’ve got a doozy this time around, featuring an all-timer here at CS. We’re talking a full-on member of the pantheon, someone who has appeared in this space more than almost anyone.

It’s the Biebs.

Justin Bieber has himself a new lady. Sources say that he and actress/singer Hailee Steinfeld have been an item for a little over a month. It’s still a relatively new thing, apparently, with Steinfeld’s camp yet to actually confirm anything beyond “just friends.”

Regardless – we’re going to go ahead and find the ideal way to jam those names together.

First name blends can pretty much be dismissed. No one is interested in “Hustin” and “Jailee is OK but not quite there. Even “Jeinfeld” and “Hieber” fall flat.

But the last names, well … we might have something there. “Beinfeld” isn’t bad, but it’s probably a little too close to “Seinfeld,” which makes it not work. We’d actually vote for “Biebenfeld,” which is great fun to say aloud (you really ought to try it), but three- and four-syllable couple nicknames tend to require A) relatively equal (and high) levels of fame, and B) the use of first names; see “Bennifer” and “Brangelina.” Bieber can hang fame-wise, but Steinfeld just isn’t there.

Of course, this relationship will almost certainly flame out within a matter of weeks, so it isn’t really going to matter. That said, we’ve made our choice regarding the proper portmanteau for the lovely, likely ill-fated young couple – “Stieber.” Simple, but effective – the “-ieber” makes clear who the more famous of the pair is, while the “St-” gives it a little punch.

And so we wish the best of luck to Stieber.

1 comment

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