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Celebrity Slam (04/12/2017)

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You want fries with that?

We certainly have our favorites here at Celebrity Slam. That’s no secret. There are certain famous folks who consistently deliver the goods when it comes to idiocy and/or tomfoolery.

Occasionally, one of these favorites will fall off the radar for a while. Maybe they’ve gotten their act together or maybe they’re just laying low for reasons we couldn’t begin to comprehend. Either way, they aren’t giving us any material for the derision and mockery that we so love to distribute.

Shia LaBeouf is one such famous face. Other than his well-meaning-but-kinda-nutbar performance art Donald Trump protest that he’s had to keep moving because people track it down and ruin it whenever they have half a chance, Shia hasn’t really been the lovable lunatic that graced these pages with clockwork regularity in recent years.

Well, our boy is back. And it is a vintage performance.

It all went down on the night of April 5. Our boy LaBeouf was kicking it an L.A. bowling alley – specifically Studio City – called Pinz. According to at least one eyewitness, he had been drinking for a while, throwing back beers for over three hours.

LaBeouf then reportedly got rowdy in Jerry’s Deli, which is attached to the bowling alley. He apparently got into a bit of a verbal altercation with the staff there when they told him to leave. One video seems to show Shia going off on a bartender because said bartender refused to sell him French fries. The going off included a whole bunch of yelling about how the bartender was a racist, though at no point is it remotely clear how or why the bartender warranted that label.

LaBeouf stormed off, but had to return almost immediately when he apparently realized that he was still wearing rented bowling shoes and had to come back in order to return them. He got his own shoes and finally left.

We have to admit that it feels pretty great to have this version of Shia LaBeouf back. The truth is that socially-conscious Shia has been kind of a drag. While we would never begrudge anyone turning their life around and becoming a better person, the reality is that our world is markedly better when we have Shia being a bizarre, confrontational weirdo. He has never been afraid to let his freak flag fly, but we like it more when there’s no do-gooder motivation behind it.

Who but Shia LaBeouf manages to get into a legitimate conflict at a bowling alley? You know he was just perched on a stool, throwing back pints of Busch Light or whatever and thinking about how much he wishes Michael Bay would return his calls about his “Transformers” screenplay. He decides that he wants some fries as a lame attempt to sate the yawning hunger that he knows deep down requires more than mere food to quiet.

Who can say how it actually went down? Our best guess is that the place doesn’t actually have a fryer, so there was no way for him to get the French fries that he so desperately craved. Of course, when that information was relayed to him he freaked out, because he’s Shia LaBeouf and he is flat-out incapable of reacting to disappointment any other way.

(Do you think he was arguing that the bartender was racist against the French? I’d love to get an idea of the mental gymnastics our friend Shia went through to arrive at the conclusion that his inability to get his desired snack was somehow racially motivated.)

But maybe the best part of the whole situation is the fact that he left and then had to come back because he forgot that he was wearing bowling shoes. To get all riled up and storm off only to have to come back and try to look tough while unlacing rented shoes? Can’t you just imagine all of this going down?

Classic Shia.

While there’s something to be said for the guy’s efforts to get and stay woke, we can’t deny that we love this LaBeouf way more. You keep on being you, Shia. Keep on keeping it weird.

And welcome back.

Last modified on Wednesday, 12 April 2017 13:31

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