How can I get my friends to party with me like in the old days? They’re all boring and lame now, but I don’t want to give up on them. What can I do?
-Boozing in Bangor
Dear Boozing,
Listen, dude. First of all, there is nothing about you that is like me. Todd Parker can hold his liquor, and he always remembers everything. None of that weak sauce blacking out for this guy.
Secondly, maybe you need to take a step back and evaluate things. I mean, your buddies all have girlfriends, right? Why do you think that is? Do you think maybe they’ve realized that falling off bar stools, picking fights with bouncers and throwing up in the shower every night might make landing a lady a bit more difficult? I mean, seriously, when’s the last time you spoke to a girl without knocking her down and puking on her?
Thirdly, are you sure that your friends even want to hang out with you anymore? Maybe the reason that they’re pulling away is that they’ve realized that associating with a drunken moronic man-child like you isn’t the most constructive way to live their lives. Maybe they’ve outgrown the whole inebriated a-hole thing that you’ve got going. Maybe they’re ready to be adults.
Look, loser – with just a few exceptions, everybody likes to throw down occasionally. I respect that. But doing it all the time is a great way to ensure that you never again meet a chick who’s anything but disgusted by you. Your friends seem to have worked that out; now it’s just you. Time to be a big boy, jackass.
