“Xenoblade Chronicles” is the kind of thing that can make you wonder what the hell you’re doing with your life. “Am I really literally systematically checking fetch quests off of this list right now?” you might ask yourself. “Xenoblade Chronicles,” played at a state of near-unemployment at age 24 with an electric bass guitar plugged into a switched-off amp in the corner of the room, is the kind of game that maybe gets you to realize that you don’t have to do this anymore, which is about as much praise as I can give anything that doesn’t taste like gourmet root beer.
Not being a jerk: Man, these skies really are blue. That’s nice. And man, these characters really do sound crazy and British. That’s alright, too! Entering one of these overworld areas is maybe an actual fantastic feeling. It’s crazy how far you can see and how you can just walk through all of it. I don’t want to just write the same sentence over and over, but, man, the scope of this game is really something.
Being a jerk: Unfortunately, there’s this arrow, which literally grins straight at you through the screen, and literally drools, and literally yells at you through your Wii Remote to go kill three more goblins and get three more goblin hearts to get one more pair of shoes that increases your defense by one but lowers your speed by one so that you’ll have a pair for every member of your party, and it literally gets bigger, pixel by pixel, if you stray from the path that whatever sidequest you select is leading you along, until eventually it gets big enough to cover up your avatar, and then big enough to fill up your whole screen, and then you have to turn your Wii off if you want to see around it. Luckily, once you reach this point, the whole thing might not even be a metaphor anymore, and you can play “Dark Souls” instead.
I’m just a poor boy, bad at Wii Bowling
Cold blue eyes, calculating.
Red hair, brushed away from face.
Wiimote gripped like a weapon
And a consistent guise of grace
As she squints at her targets
Tiny 10-pins, arranged like
Helpless, tipsy victims
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