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Collection of short writings intelligent, extremely funny

Published in Buzz
Wednesday, 16 November 2016 13:46

The things they carried - 'Carry This Book'

Abbi Jacobson offering a weird, wonderful, grown-up picture book

Published in Buzz
Wednesday, 16 March 2016 11:46

Weird National Briefs (03-16-2016)

Taking a toll

FORT LEE, N.J. - Police say a truck driver used fishing line to flip his license plate in a bid to avoid paying tolls into New York City.

A police officer says he saw 41-year-old Javier Marte of Yonkers, New York, drive through a George Washington Bridge electronic toll lane without the toll registering on Wednesday night.

Police stopped his truck and found a fishing line rigged from the cab to a hinge on the front license plate. They say the line could flip the plate out of view going through the toll plaza. They also say the rear license plate was bent up to defeat security cameras.

Published in Weird National Briefs
Wednesday, 24 February 2016 07:09

Weird National Briefs (02-24-2016)

Barely moving

BATON ROUGE, La. - Authorities have arrested a naked man who they say drove into a chemical plant site and led deputies on a slow-moving chase.

News outlets report that deputies arrested 38-year-old Charles Cooper on Sunday on counts including obscenity and flight from an officer.

According to an East Baton Rouge Parish report, Cooper pulled into the grounds of the Formosa Plastics chemical plant in Baton Rouge wearing only socks and a T-shirt. Deputies say he screamed for someone to help him, claiming there was someone else inside the vehicle. The report says no one else could be seen in or around his SUV.

Published in Weird National Briefs
Wednesday, 10 February 2016 13:35

Todd Parker 02-10-2016

(Editor's note: Since Mr. Parker was busy with this week's cover story, we thought we might share an old Valentine's Day favorite from the archives. Truly, a classic. Originally appeared on Feb. 8, 2012.)

Dear Todd Parker,

Valentine's Day is such bullst. Everyone knows that it's just one more scam for corporations to make more money. Why should I hand over my cash to those a-holes at Hallmark or Whitman's or whatever just to celebrate a completely arbitrary date?

Published in Ask Todd Parker
Wednesday, 10 February 2016 12:46

Todd Parker takes on literary love stories

Advice columnist answers questions classic romances should have asked

Happy Valentine's Day, losers!

Since the letters I've received regarding this year's holiday have been generally crappy, I decided to give you folks a little something special, a sort of literary retrospective that I've been kicking around for a while. I thought you lamewads might find it interesting to hear what kind of advice I might give to those characters in literature dealing with relationship complications.

As you might have guessed, the end result is f---ing BRILLIANT.

Rather than confine myself to just one of these magnificent constructions, I instead chose to give my adoring fans a selection that spans centuries on the literary timeline. It's a holiday celebrating love, after all, and since I definitely don't love the st questions you morons sent me, I figured I'd put something together that is both entertaining and educational.

Enjoy.

Published in Cover Story
Wednesday, 03 February 2016 15:51

Todd Parker 02-03-2016

Dear Todd Parker,

I'm a 27-year-old guy and I broke up with my girlfriend of six years a few months ago. I decided that if I didn't want to marry her I was just stringing both of us along. My dating life before her was easier since I was still in college, going to parties, and constantly meeting new people. Now I am in the realm of the adult dating world and have been a bit lost but learning quickly.

I met a girl a few weeks after the breakup and started hanging out from time to time; very low-key. It's not like I'm looking for a serious relationship or anything, but I feel like that I had been in one for so much of my dating life that it's all I know.

Published in Ask Todd Parker
Wednesday, 03 February 2016 11:17

Edge Mom: Theories of relativity

Time is weird when you're a parent. There are times usually when there is fighting or crying - when time seems to stretch out and last forever. That witching hour before bedtime when no one can behave can feel like a miserable eternity. And on the other side of the spectrum it can seem like yesterday when they were just wee bundles, swaddled and blankets and having that amazing 'new baby' smell.

And now, with the kids in school it's a whole new level of weird time. On the one hand, the weeks seem to fly by. I get up at 4:50 a.m. to get lunches made, backpacks packed and at least locate the majority of items needed to get out the door (hats, mittens, snow pants, boots, coats plus shoes for indoors). Technically, I don't have to get up that early. I've proven this on days where I slept through the alarm. But it's also when I do some room cleaning, then sit and relax for 20 minutes before the rush.

Published in Edge Staff Mom
Tuesday, 26 January 2016 21:07

Weird National Briefs (01-27-2016)

Not so wily

VALPARAISO, Ind. - A coyote has returned to the wild after getting stuck in a vestibule at a Kohl's department store in Valparaiso.

Authorities were called to the store at about 7:30 p.m. Saturday when the coyote entered the first set of doors and employees locked a second set of doors, trapping the animal in the vestibule area.

Published in Weird National Briefs
Tuesday, 26 January 2016 20:40

Todd Parker 01-27-2016

Dear Todd Parker,

I just got out of a relationship that had been going for almost two years. It was really good for a long time, but over the last six months, I was starting to feel like it just wasn't going to work. I had talked to my boyfriend about the issues I was having and he seemed sympathetic to my feelings. I just wanted him to know that things weren't working for me.

A couple of weeks after we had that conversation, he broke up with me. Just like that. Even though I was planning on breaking up with him if we couldn't work our stuff out, I didn't expect him to pull the plug like that. It just felt so cold-blooded it was like he'd rather just walk away than make an effort toward fixing the problem.

Published in Ask Todd Parker
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