“I can’t believe they threw out the case,” said a disappointed Hobart Kaiser, 33, of Levant. Kaiser’s suit alleged that, for a period of one year, he had subsisted on a diet of nothing but Thin Mints, a popular flavor of Girl Scout Cookie.
“Look at me,” Kaiser said outside the courthouse on Tuesday. “I’m a big fat fatty. I spent nearly four grand on enough cookies to last twelve months. I thought for sure they would help me lose weight. The word ‘thin’ is in the name, for crying out loud. What was I supposed to think?”
According to court documents, the crux of the case revolved around Kaiser’s claim that he had consumed massive quantities of the cookies for one year. The court refused to accept Kaiser’s statement that he believed that the cookies would help him become thin.
According to the Girl Scouts of America, one Thin Mint cookie contains 40 calories. Each box of ‘Thin Mints’ contains 32 cookies. If Kaiser’s claims are accurate, he ate three boxes of the cookies per day - one for each meal - for twelve months.
This would mean that he consumed 3,840 calories per day. According to the US Dept. of Agriculture, a male of Kaiser’s height should consume no more than 2,200 calories per day. Using that formula, Kaiser consumed 11,480 more calories per week than his body could burn. The excess calories are stored as fat, with Kaiser gaining just over three pounds per week, on average.
“I did this to try to lose weight and I have gained over 150 pounds,” Kaiser said. “This was my plan: quit my job and eat the cookies for a year. Lose the weight. Get an endorsement deal from the Girl Scouts and do commercials for them. Boom. Set for life. Instead, I have to walk through doors sideways.”
Representing Kaiser in the case was Carl Howe of Portsmouth, New Hampshire-based law firm Anderson, Bruford, Wakeman & Howe.
“We always want to win for our client, no matter what,” said Howe during an interview, one conducted at Judy’s restaurant and bar located on State Street in Bangor shortly after he and his client were asked to leave the courthouse.
“Listen. I understand this looked bad. The law is sometimes not pretty. My job is to overlook the ugliness of the scenario and come up with a win for my client and my firm. This is a David and Goliath situation. My client was the little guy. Those Girl Scouts are Goliath. Sure, they do good things with their badges and camping and community projects and whatever, but my gluttonous client felt he was wronged. Unfortunately, the judge didn’t agree. Were you there when he said that we were ‘wasting his time’ and ‘soiling his courtroom with spurious allegations’ and all that? What got his robe all in a twist?”
Adding to Howe’s frustration is the fact that Judge Donald Hendrickson, angered over the “asinine and ludicrous” nature of the allegations in this case, removed the lawyer’s ability to practice law in the State of Maine for a period of three years.
“Am I disappointed?” Howe grumbled. “What kind of question is that? Now I have to drive back to freaking New Hampshire. I’m banned from Maine. And that fat bastard will probably have to get a job.”
(Editor's note: This story is part of our annual April Fools' Day edition and is all sorts of made-up and not real.)