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Monday, 18 May 2015 15:25

Underpants and other oddities

Written by Katy England

Gender wars are a thing. I get it. I've been trying not to hop on that particular bandwagon and was doing fine - until I had to buy our kids underwear. Yeah, I got sick of trying to reason with the children, and they are now wearing underoos during awake time as a component of potty training. It's awful, but I'm not here to talk about how may disinfectant wipes I'm going through this week.

I want to talk about underwear. I had to buy it for the first time recently, and it was weird for a couple of reasons. One, there is more variety in underwear than is entirely necessary. And yes, I remember my Wonder Woman Underoos as a little girl fondly but it's still weird. I mean, I saw bikini-style briefs in sizes that a Cabbage Patch Doll could wear comfortably.

Tuesday, 12 May 2015 21:15

Sticks and stones

Written by Katy England

When the kids were first born you could take them outside, plop them in a pack and play or car seat and throw some mesh to keep the bugs off. And if you weren't entirely exhausted by lack of sleep, you could conceivably do some yard work.

Once they started walking, that kind of went out the window. For the first couple of years, walking was way more trouble than it was worth. They fell off of everything. They fell from standing. Add ice and snow into the mix and it would get especially comical. Basically, even if you were hovering around them like an insane mama-bird, they'd fall and need to be righted, or aim dead for the swamp with their plastic vehicles and have to have a sudden course correction.

Tuesday, 05 May 2015 20:42

Hush

Written by Katy England

Everyone says 'terrible 2s' except for moms who have 3-year-olds. It's an ill-kept secret that 3 can be worse and it has been. It's no cake walk for the kids either. Being 3, you're in a tricky spot, you're old enough to know how parts of the game are played, but you're missing crucial pieces to the puzzle. And worse, the people who know the game don't have a rulebook; heck, they don't even seem to know what they're doing half the time.

After all, explaining to your toddler that the American Academy of Pediatrics says screen time should be capped at two hours per day doesn't avert a tantrum. And the AAP also seems a little short on advice on what to do when you have three people yelling at you because 'Mighty Machines' is over and you're not letting them watch a third.

Tuesday, 28 April 2015 19:50

So I joined a cult (Not really!)

Written by Katy England

Getting my house in order has been on my list of things to do since I owned a house. I've never been the most organized person. In fact, you'd not be wrong to call me a slob. But when there are babies, and then toddlers, suddenly you need to do a better job.

And you do, but it's a rugged, never-ending and often thankless task - especially if you think about it in those terms. I'd been doing a decent job of getting rid of some unwanted stuff and taking back my bedroom from the clutches of unused toddler toys and loads of books that had been moved in - basically anything that wasn't allowed to be around the kids was put in our room.

Tuesday, 21 April 2015 23:01

Me time

Written by Katy England

Three 3-year-olds, a full time job, a part time job and freelance gigs doesn't leave a lot of time that is designated as 'free.' And that time, despite its name, is valuable to me. There are scant few hours that I can truly call my own, so I get a little uppity when they're infringed upon.

Which is often why poor telemarketers even those asking for cash or surveys for a purported good cause are often gently reminded to take me off their lists. Nothing like grimly battling through tantrums, boo-boos, herding the wildlings upstairs for quiet time and fixing oneself a sandwich only to have the phone ring before you get a chance to test your latest tuna-salad invention. Because I'm a Luddite, I don't have caller ID, and it's invariably Rachel or Carmen from Cardholder Services saving me from credit card debt (from my mythical credit cards).

Tuesday, 14 April 2015 10:24

It's like this

Written by Katy England

De gustibus non disputatum est. It's a snotty way of saying: You can't argue with taste. Which is why there are so many Justin Beiber fans in the world. You like what you like for reasons that may or may not make sense to you and probably make even less sense to your parents.

I mean, look at every generation's circular argument about what makes good music. After a certain age, you kind of just like what you like and all the new stuff sounds weird and loud, and your criticism starts to sound a little like Grandpa Simpson. And by you, I mean me.

Tuesday, 07 April 2015 19:16

Divided attention - (04/08/15)

Written by Katy England

Multi-tasking is a buzzword that is tossed around by people who are doing too many things. Studies have shown that it is impossible to focus on more than one thing at any given time no matter how many tabs you have open on your browser or notifications on your phone. This goes for kids too.

When you have more than one kid doesn't matter if they are all the same age or they've been spaced out a pace you can only really focus on one (outside of a pig pile, anyway). But they will try to trick you or at least argue that you should be able to do more than one thing at a time. And maybe, if they try really, really extra hard, they can actually make it happen. Sometimes, I like to think if I try really, really hard I can actually be in three places at once so long as one of them is on a tropical beach.

Tuesday, 31 March 2015 17:27

Columnist invented triplets' for popularity

Written by Sue D. Nym

It has come to our attention that long-time columnist and editor Katy England has in fact invented her triplets in order to become popular.

Apparently the ruse started with the pregnancy itself. She found the more babies she added in utero, the more people would 'ooh and aah.' And the web of lies grew with each telling. She went so far as to hire actors, set up studios for photo shoots, give them names and create stories to share with followers on Facebook.

Tuesday, 24 March 2015 18:51

Helping them help

Written by Katy England

Kids are helpful, but they don't typically help with anything. They want to they're just bad at it. Really bad at it. But they were also bad at walking at one point, and that got better (or worse, depending on how many head injuries you have to field annually).

Helping the kids help can be daunting. Because as adults, we are so much better at things than they are. So it's faster and in some cases safer to do it yourself. But it isn't helpful. It isn't helpful to you, it isn't helpful to them and it isn't helpful to society as a whole.

Wednesday, 18 March 2015 14:43

That doesn't go there

Written by Katy England

While looking for a piece of train under the fridge I found most of the alphabet and several math problems. This was along with more pieces of cereal than I'm comfortable disclosing in a public forum. Sure, the letters and numbers were from a magnet set, but it illustrates a strange thing that happens when you're a parent you find weird things in weird places.

Once, I went into the girls' room to find they were chewing on something like gum. Except it wasn't gum. It was fluff from one of their stuffed animals they had poked a hole in. I have two full packages of crayons in my purse along with an emergency bag of goldfish crackers. Most of the coats in the house contain some kid-friendly snack for doctor's visits or just for me to scarf when no one is looking.

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