Celebrity Slam 09-03 By Allen Adams edge staff writer aadams@themaineedge.com This is your brain on drugs From the headline, you might have guessed that Amy Winehouse, everyone’s favorite drugged-out diva, is making news again. Last Friday, she cancelled a performance in Paris as she wasn’t feeling well enough to leave her house. Gee, Amy, wonder why you don‘t feel well? Could it be because you’re striving to become the living embodiment of every anti-drug commercial ever made? It’s like a big cartoonish, messy-haired train wreck. Her last trip to the hospital (for a reaction to her anti-drug medication, wink, wink) was apparently in large part the result of smoking hash for something like 36 straight hours. That’s a day and a half! Can you imagine if she focused on, say, her music for 36 straight hours? Hello, Grammy! Doctors are saying that she’s exhibiting signs of brain damage and behavior normally associated with schizophrenia. Say it with me, Amy: Drugs. Are. Bad. Go home, get some sleep and eat a sandwich. Clean yourself up, please, or it won’t be too long before we don’t even care enough to feel sorry for you. Brenda's back in Beverly Hills The CW is launching its new spin-off of “90210” this fall. Fantastic. I was just thinking that I really wanted to be able to watch yet another show about spoiled rich kids and their “real-life problems.” It worked in 1990, why not in 2008? What could be more fun than watch a bunch of shallow, vacuous twenty-somethings play shallow, vacuous high school students? How about watching some of those original shallow, vacuous twenty-somethings playing older versions of themselves? This time through, Tori Spelling and Jenny Garth get to actually play characters their own age. The only question is which one will be first to engage in inappropriate conduct with a student? Plus, Shannen Doherty is back, marking the first return of Brenda Walsh since the actress’s less-than-cordial departure from the show in 1994. Guess those “Charmed” residuals aren’t bringing in the kind of bank she expected. Time to go back to a simpler time, before bitchy reputations and bar fights with Paris Hilton. Godspeed, Brenda. On the flip side, Tiffani Thiessen has dodged this particular bullet. She claims to be in “a different place” these days, but my guess is that with so much cheesiness already on her resume (lest we forget “Saved By The Bell”), she probably figures enough is enough. Good call. My only hope is that I don’t get stuck looking at Luke Perry sideburns for the better part of yet another decade. Hardcore Helen Mirren Now, I know the “Slam” tends to spend most of its time dealing with younger people in entertainment - mostly because the young people tend to say and do things that warrant scorn, mockery and/or judgment. However, thanks to an interview given by actress Helen Mirren, we get a chance to bestow some attention on the old guard. Mirren, who won an Academy Award for her portrayal of Queen Elizabeth II in 2006’s “The Queen,” shared some fascinating tidbits about her past during an interview with GQ. She went on record as claiming that date rape isn’t necessarily a crime, basically trotting out a version of the “she was asking for it” defense. Mirren also spent some time talking about her past drug use, including an affinity for marijuana and the fact that she “loved coke.” This is a 63-year-old British Oscar winner here, sounding for all the world like one of those airheads from “The Hills.” No date rape, loves coke - take 45 years off her age and she’s a scumbag upperclassman’s dream date. Still, she is keeping it real. Just one last thing; Ms. Mirren, I’d like you to meet Todd Parker. You kids have fun.