Celebrity Slam - 08/25/2010 By Allen Adams edge staff writer aadams@themaineedge.com Crazy Love Join me, if you will, in a quick flashback to the mid-1990s. Looking back, was there a safer bet than "Frances Bean Cobain will grow up to be a disastrous train wreck of epic proportions" in all of popular culture. I mean, between her dad's unfortunate suicide and her mother's complete disconnection from societal norms and reality in general, you had to figure she'd be effed up, right? And yet, it seems she's pretty much dodged that bullet. Frances recently turned 18 and is making her own way, outside the celebrity limelight. And like any sane person, she wants nothing to do with Courtney Love. Not sure how she wound up well-adjusted, but good for her. Not that her batpoop-crazy mother is giving up without a fight. Love took to Twitter, as she is want to do these days, and just smeared her insanity all over the place. She alternated between desperate cries for her daughter's love and incoherent threats, basically airing the family's dirty laundry for the world to see. Gee, Courtney - and you wonder why your daughter doesn't want to be around you. Despite your best efforts, your daughter decidedly does not want to take that seat you've saved for her next to you on the crazy train. She wants a normal life, and after beating the kinds of odds she has to make it this far, she deserves that shot. And if you hadn't been a constant barrage of self-centered lunacy, she'd probably like you a little better. And oh yeah. No access to the trust fund for you. Time to get a job. 15 years of mooching off your dead husband's name is all you get. Surprise! A sex tape! Spencer Pratt is back. I try to get out and he keeps pulling me back in. Yeah, so this time, he's threatening his supposedly soon-to-be-ex-wife (and current cyborg) Heidi Montag. Basically, he told her that if she doesn't call off the divorce and do a reality show with him, he's going to release a bunch of sex tapes featuring her. As an added bonus, there's apparently some additional footage involving a Playboy Playmate. So of course, the fine, upstanding citizens at Vivid are chomping at the bit to get their hands on these tapes. Pratt reportedly asked $5 million and they didn't even blink. Heidi put on a show about being angry, but at this point, she's also entered into the negotiations. It just never stops, does it? Let's face facts: the whole Spencer/Heidi dynamic is crafted specifically to keep them in the public eye. Clearly, they sensed their relevance was fading. So here comes the "divorce." That apparently didn't accomplish what they were hoping for, so now these sex tapes suddenly materialize. Of course, there's also the fact that watching the Douche King and the Replicant Formerly Known As Heidi Montag do the deed would likely be one of the most emotionally scarring things we could ever bear witness to. Seriously. You'd get three venereal diseases just from thinking about watching. Plus, you'd be significantly dumber. An unfortunate Situation Okay. This "Jersey Shore" nonsense has officially gotten out of hand. Mike Sorrentino, unfortunately known to millions as "The Situation," is reportedly set to rake in in excess of $5 million this year for doing nothing but being a meathead d-bag. He's getting paid $60K an episode for the show, but he's also doing personal appearances and landing endorsements. Chewable supplements? Ab workout videos? Protein-infused vodka? Shame on anyone who buys any of this crap. And crap it is. But the big one, the one that has the most nail-in-the-coffin feel to it? He has written a book. And it's being published. Look, reality television has long been a place for the talentless to flourish, but this is getting out of hand. For this guy to be placed in the position he's found himself in is ludicrous. I mean, I get it. If someone wanted to pay me to be an utter asshat, I'd probably at least consider it. So I suppose this Slam isn't aimed at The Situation so much as it is at America. Dear America. Stop encouraging these people. Please.