Dear Todd Parker, I’m in some real trouble here, and I’m looking for someone – anyone – to help me find a way out. Some buddies of mine have been playing in a regular poker game for a couple of years now. It’s always been for pretty low stakes; no one ever leaves down more than 20 or 30 bucks. We just hang out for a few hours, have some laughs and drink a few beers. We just have fun, and I always walk away with more cash than I started with. Unfortunately, success in a home game does not necessarily translate to higher-stakes success. I recently started playing on a couple of websites. I figured I’d make some extra dough and show some of these online chumps how the game should be played. Before I knew what was happening, I had run up huge debts. Huge. Like cleaned-out bank account huge. It only took me a month to dig a $6,000 hole. These bills are going to start showing up soon, and my girlfriend is going to have some serious questions for me. We’ve been saving up to buy a house, and that money was supposed to be a big chunk of our down payment. When she finds out, she’s going to lose it. How can I fix this without losing my girlfriend and destroying my credit? I’m all out of ideas. Broke in Brewer Dear Broke, First of all, I wholeheartedly approve of drinking, gambling and most other vices. Degenerate behavior always receives the Todd Parker seal of approval, with very few exceptions. The biggest exception is what I like to call “The Moron Clause.” Basically, that means that any moron who doesn’t have the common sense or self-control to stop engaging in vices when they become significant detriments to said moron’s way of life should not take part in such behaviors. Guess what you are, chief. You’re clearly a selfish, self-absorbed idiot. I mean, even after you’ve done serious damage to your (and your girlfriend’s) financial future, your main concern is avoiding getting in trouble. What is that? Do you really think it’s all about you? And do you really think that there’s a way to fix this without anyone finding out? Seriously, loser. Time to get a second (and third) job and hope that your parents haven’t finished converting your room into a home office, because you’re going to need to find a place where your rampant jackassery might be tolerated. Oh, and tell your girlfriend to give me a call.