Life may be like a box of chocolates... But the winter sports season for the University of Maine has been like a discount amusement park. Black Bear fans have been taken for a ride, but not exactly the thrill ride they wanted. For those of you who follow UMaine men's and women's basketball and hockey, this winter has been a day at a fair where some of the rides aren't working, some are dull and slow and some just aren't worth the cost of a ticket. As we stroll around the midway at our Black Bear Amusement Park, let's jump in line for our first ride, called the women's hockey team. We'll get to the white knuckle rides later. Women's hockey is more like a spin on the teacups. You don't expect much and at the end of it, you've really just gone slowly in circles. Chalk up a dismal 6-20-5 record for the women skaters. This includes losing 10 games in a row to wrap up the season. The team has compiled a three-year record of 15-70-13. Unless you have an unlimited ride wristband, this is not money well spent. If you seek excitement, you would be better off stealing a shopping cart and having your friends push you around the parking lot. As you continue to wander along, it becomes clear this ain't Six Flags. That's because the next ride is called women's basketball. You've heard the stories from years past of the thrills and chills here. But after five straight losing seasons, a record this year of 8-21, a five-year record of 43-103 and no conference tourney wins since 2004, you wonder if the team is shooting at one of those crooked hoops at the fair. It would be better to save your money here and throw a dart at the balloons to win a Lynyrd Skynyrd mirror. Or go buy a deep fried Twinkie. Men's basketball is an added attraction to our carnival this winter. New and improved, they had a commendable year with 19 wins, including a road victory over Boston College. Good job by Ted Woodward and crew. That is, until the America East tournament. A number three seed and a first round upset at the hands of the usually hapless UNH wildcats – that game was about as much fun as being on a ride that breaks down, leaving you stuck at the top, hanging upside down while all your money falls on to the midway. Very disappointing to not get at least one postseason win. Which brings us to the park's signature attraction: men's hockey. Long Lines still form for this one. I was there for Senior Night and I thought the attendance was pretty good. The team's play was not. Back to back losses to UMass on home ice means probably no at-large berth to the NCAA tourney. Maine's only hope is to win the hockey east tournament. Could happen. And I could have won an Oscar Sunday night, but didn't. And I had a dress picked out and everything. Darn it. Here's the kicker: Saturday night, as the remaining fans exited the Alfond after the home sweep and sixth loss in eight games, the most ludicrous announcement I have ever heard blared over the PA. Good news! Though the hockey team sunk like the ice was gone from under them, thanks to a tie in another game the Bears will still host a hockey east tourney weekend! So be sure to buy your tickets now! The timing of that announcement was like proposing at a funeral. The jokes and outright mocking from the fans leaving the building made me as queasy as riding the Zipper after three doughboys. Here's the bottom line: The amusement park that is UMaine winter sports did not provide much, well, amusement this year. Maybe next year instead of visiting the park, we'll go to the museum and remember the way it used to be during the winter sports season in Orono.