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Katy England Katy England
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Necronomicon

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This book is dead to me

EDITOR'S NOTE: (This story is from The Maine Edge's annual April Fools Day edition. As such, you can safely assume that most of it - if not all of it - is totally made-up.)

Abdul Alhazred's latest offering, The Necromonicon ($29.95, R'leya Publishing House), is a complete horror show. Not only does it seem to drive whoever reads it completely insane, it also brings about the horrific End Times by leading people to the homes of the Old Ones.

Parts of this damning book were simply a joy to read. I mean, who but Alhazred would be able to capture the unholy majesty of Those Who Will Consume Us All? His prose is simply inspired during that chapter, and it is almost worth the aeons of torture as the Old Gods consume our very souls.

The dastardly mysteries that burn themselves into your retinas will stay with you until the end of time. Which isn't all that far from now.

Collectors will be happy to note that the versions of this Necronomicon come in a variety of different leathers. The publisher is quite clear that the flesh of many virgins was needed to make the bindings, and readers should expect some variation in texture and quality, but note that it will only serve to make your pitiful existence all the more unique.

Though the characters are well fleshed out, I feel that the trade off of having to sell one's soul to read it is a little steep. The fact that the publisher sent us a copy for review only makes the whole situation entirely unfair. Consider yourself warned, though. I'm quite certain we are all boned.

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