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Building a craft brewery without the effort

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Anders Williamson in one of Craft Brewery Manufacturers' pre-fab breweries in Colorado. The company is expanding to Bangor. Anders Williamson in one of Craft Brewery Manufacturers' pre-fab breweries in Colorado. The company is expanding to Bangor. (Photo courtesy of CBM)

Company offers pre-fab breweries for the lazy and unmotivated

BANGOR – The last few years have seen a massive boom in the craft brewing scene in the greater Bangor region. Beer has become big business, with all manner of breweries taking their initial bows over the past half-decade.

Breweries are so big, in fact, that a new Bangor business has opened up to take things to the next level.

Craft Brewery Manufacturing (CBM) does precisely what the name entails. CBM offers a selection of pre-fabricated craft breweries that will meet the public’s craft brewery needs, from the two-barrel boutique operation up to a 50-barrel Brewhouse and everything in-between.

“We’re happy to be opening this operation here in Bangor,” said CBM owner Anders Williamson. “And we are prepared to meet any and all of this area’s craft brewery desires. Part of what makes CBM special is our commitment to giving our customers the total package. Our breweries are complete and meticulously constructed down to the tiniest detail.”

Some would argue that the whole point of creating a craft brewery is to work hard and turn your individual vision and love of beer into a tangible and unique business. These are the same people who would imply that the journey is as valuable as the destination when it comes to building a beer business.

Not so, according to Williamson.

“Look, passion is all well and good,” he said. “I’m sure it’s fun to tell your little story about putting your heart and soul into creating a product that you believe in and becoming a welcome part of the community fabric.

“But here’s the thing,” he continued. “Doing those things is HARD. Why spend all that time working your tail off for nothing more than a successful business and the rewarding feeling that you’ve built something special? I mean, is a product that you’re proud of really all that important?”

Indeed, if you’re the type who’s interested in living the cool-guy brewery owner lifestyle without doing any of that pesky work, CBM almost certainly has something for you.

“One of the packages we’re most excited about is something we’re calling ‘The BroBrew,’” said Williamson. “It’s a six-barrel situation housed in a faux industrial park; we actually build the industrial park, and then convert a space into a brewery. We provide you with a wide selection of merchandise featuring a generically cool logo and a three-person brewing team that we guarantee to be worth at least 1.75 total BAR – that’s Beards Above Replacement. We’ll teach you about creating the illusion of scarcity to convince people to wait in line for your product.”

He paused, scratching a beard that, upon closer inspection, may have actually been fake.

“There was one more thing. What was it?” He paused again, then laughed to himself.

“Oh, right! Beer. We’ll show you a website where you can get, like, a beer recipe or whatever. But really, what kind of a-hole gives a crap about the beer when he opens a brewery, am I right?”

So if you’re someone who looks around at the hard-earned success of the Bangor craft beer scene and says to themselves “I want to be a cool craft brewery-owner guy, but I have no interest in the actual craft,” then you need to have a conversation with Anders Williamson.

Putting in the work to create something special with your craft brewery, studying and learning and trying and failing and painstakingly building your own beer and your own brand? Please. Let CBM set you up so you can be a tremendous d-bag in the comfort of your own cookie-cutter brewery.

(Note: This is obviously an April Fools’ Day story and thus full of nonsense. However, it should be noted that the many fine breweries that make up the area’s craft beer scene are outstanding establishments across the board. Their passion and drive have created something special and we’re lucky to have them.) 

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