Tim Bissell

Tim Bissell

edge staff writer

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Thursday, 09 August 2012 07:08

The Goodship Wafflechop

Loose lips sink spaceships 

A bit of backstory: I've been playing a crapton of “Sins of a Solar Empire,” and one of my favorite pastimes is giving my ships incredibly dumb names. Normally this would be the end of it. But my imagination decided to wander off with my keyboard, so instead of me telling you about why this game is real-time, slow-burn strategy gold, I'm going to share a short tale of those unfortunate enough to be stuck serving on one of my ill-named behemoth capital ships.

Wednesday, 18 July 2012 16:05

Meet Team Fortress 2

Opening the Valve on a legitimate free-to-play game

To my left and right, I see hats. Hats everywhere. The gentlemen standing by my side are supposedly ready to make war, but it’s terribly hard to tell that from the various shades of bags, alien monsters, goggles and baseball caps adoring their noggins. In all honesty, this is what draws me to “Team Fortress 2.” This lighter take on warfare, set sometime in the ‘50s, is still boasting a huge following despite releasing as a part of the Orange Box almost five years ago. Why’s that, you ask? Last June, Valve released it to the public as a free-to-play game.

For the vast majority of hardcore gamers, free-to-play is seen as an incredibly dirty term. Any game that either adopts the model from the start or uses it later on in its lifespan is immediately considered a failure and is generally avoided like the plague. Most of this is based on the stigma that most free-to-play games generally have a pay-to-win philosophy: player doesn’t do as well as other players, player buys an uber gun for a fair price, and said player ends up topping the scoreboards with the blood money-bought gun. Another issue that can crop up is charging an exorbitant amount for new content, constricting the non-paying players to a few basic maps or character classes. Either way, free-to-play has left a bad taste in the mouths of gamers that truly want to earn their success. To them, paying for better weapons is trading skill gained over the course of committing yourself to a game for money. You’re purchasing hard-fought victories instead of dedicating the time and energy necessary to attain them normally.

Wednesday, 11 July 2012 11:33

Celebrity Slam - July 11, 2012

New Idol Judges 

I don’t watch much Reality TV, and when I do, it is usually something on the cable networks. Im more of a “Dirty Jobs” or “Storage Wars” guy than an “Idol” or “DWTS” guy. This doesn’t mean that I don’t have opinions about those shows, however.

The buzz right now is about who the next “American Idol” judges will be. Some are saying Charlie Sheen, some are saying Adam Lambert. The answer is plain as day. 

Look, as I said, I don’t watch it, but I can tell that the show has lost its edge since Simon left. They need to fill the void with someone as abrasive and snotty as he was. Steven Tyler and J-Lo can’t fill those shoes. You not only need someone who will put these budding starlets in their place, but someone who has years of experience doing so.

Tuesday, 03 July 2012 12:15

Celebrity Slam - July 4, 2012

Tom - Kat 

Well, anyone who had 5 years, 7 months and 11 days in the TomKat Marriage Length Pool®, you are the winner of a brand new set of bragging rights! That’s right, Scientology’s power couple has called it quits. Katie Holmes filed for divorce from Tom Cruise late last month, setting the rumor mill abuzz.

Now, I’m not going to get into the reasons for the split here, nor am I going to speculate on the rumors that Katie did this to keep Tom from sending their 6-year-old daughter Suri to an intensive Scientology institute called SeaOrg, Or that the Church was tailing Katie as of late. Nope, those are rumors that haven’t been confirmed, so we, as the bastion of journalism we so clearly are, cannot in good faith report those claims. 

What I am going to focus on here is the child, Suri. Sweetie, you are young, and you have your whole life ahead of you. Do yourself a favor and get interested in math or accounting or something boring like that. Just don’t go into the entertainment field. America would probably love to see you be the next Miley or Lindsay, but don’t give in. You are better than that.

Thursday, 22 March 2012 09:49

Celebrity Slam - March 21, 2012

Another fallen “Idol”

We’ve long had a bit of a fast and loose attitude in this space with regards to what actually constitutes “celebrity.” We have to, if only so we can be sure to include the seemingly never-ending waves of reality stars who appear to be anxiously awaiting their chance to be complete a-holes.

Which brings us to Jermaine Jones.

Jermaine was a contestant on “American Idol” – you know, that show that people still inexplicably watch for some reason. He had spent a significant part of his time on the show throwing out sob story after sob story, including one about his absentee dad who suddenly reappeared when his son was on the verge of fame.

Some episodes of “Survivor” are unforgettable, and this week's episode is one of them. For the first time in 24 seasons, the tribe that won the immunity challenge actually chose to give it up so they could go to tribal council and vote off one of their own. Even the host, Jeff Probst, was visibly stunned to see the men's tribe at tribal council, because they won the puzzle relay immunity challenge by a landslide. Sure, in the past we've seen teams lose the immunity challenge on purpose to accomplish the same thing, but viewers and even Probst have never seen a tribe win the challenge, take the immunity “god” back to camp and then willingly hand it over to the opposing team. But somehow, 21-year-old Colton Cumbie of the Manono tribe convinced his team to do just that in order to get rid of 28-year-old Bill Posley, a stand-up comedian from California. I had a chance to speak with Posley about his short-lived experience on “Survivor” and what his team needs to do to stay away from tribal council. 

The Maine Edge: Is it bothersome that this is the first time in 24 seasons that a team chose to go to tribal even though they won immunity?

Bill Posley: I would rather make history and risk making a big move [like that] than go off quietly. I want to be kind of one of the memorable ones. If they were willing to give up immunity and go to tribal to get rid of me, they would be willing to throw the next challenge. Me exiting the way I did last night made me proud of the game.

Wednesday, 26 October 2011 11:39

The Sports Edge - The Ballad of Theo

(With sincere apologies to anyone with actual poetic talent.)

When you first took the Sox job,

You were barely out of school.

The youngest GM ever,

Compared to Dan Douquette, you were too cool.


You always dreamed big,

Really shooting for the moon.

Your team almost made the series in ’03,

Until that Aaron Freakin’ Boone.

Wednesday, 29 June 2011 05:39

A good walk, without the walking

Golf is a gentleman's game, and gentlemen usually wear pants. I for one, do not always like to wear pants. How do I quench my thirst for the links without donning a pair of slacks? Enter, any of the thousands of golf video games made over the years.

From the old Golden Tee machine at the bowling alley to the grid style putting greens of PGA Tour Golf II for my old Mac Classic, to the surprisingly good version of Tiger Woods PGA Tour '12 for the iPhone, I've played my share of golf video games. Some people like shooting zombies, others like creating and destroying civilizations. Me, I like to do something I am usually just to lazy to go out and do for real.

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